Ok so i learned about a person coming out as non binary recently and this reminded me of my confusion about (i think they’re called rolling pronouns) she/they and he/they specifically.
I have looked around at some sites speaking to it but none of them have made it clear to me whether use of “her” or “him” instead of “theirs” in the case of someone who wishes for (s)he/they is misgendering.
I had (mis)understood before that (s)he/they meant they were fine with either their gendered pronoun AND the gender free option, but am i way off base? Is the “they” not an option?
Apologies if this is breaking rules or has been answered, i didn’t see anything on the sidebar so here goes nothin…
In my experience it depends on the person, and that person may change their mind at any time. For instance I know someone who prefers they if they look more enby or she if they look more fem (based on dress or makeup or even what they’re doing at that time). I know someone who goes by she/they but they want me to call them they (because they know I can do it) but are okay with strangers or acquaintances calling them she. I know someone who is “anything but she” and also someone who is “anything but he.” I know someone who is “not they” … so she is good with she but he is also good with he, just not they (this human is an absolute agent of chaos). Most of these people have changed their feelings about their pronouns and/or how they feel about their relationship with gender at least once in the time I’ve known them, and usually they just inform me and I adjust.
So basically I just ask what is preferred if I can, most folks have a preference even if its slight. If they don’t I use whatever feels natural. If they have their pronouns labeled somehow like an email or a nametag I use the first one they have listed. If I don’t know them and there isn’t clear context and nobody has told me and I haven’t had the opportunity to ask, I use they until I am informed otherwise. I still get it wrong sometimes and apologize and try to get it right next time.
I’m curious to see what others think as well. Gender is a constant journey for a lot of people and I think it’s neat. But basically to succinctly answer, I think it probably depends on the person. At least that’s how it has been in all the spaces I’m in.
Ah thanks. I guess asking is always the correct answer! i was thinking more about how one goes about referencing those that you can not ask i.e. people you read about online or in the news. I think I’ll be a tiny bit more confident going forward, thank you.
If you can’t ask and you don’t have a way to know, I’d just use either they or whatever they put first if they do have them listed. I have known 3 people in my life who were “she” and then “she/they” and then “they/she” and then are now just “they”, kinda a comfort thing for them. They start out trying they, realize they like it enough that they want it to be primary, and then eventually are just like fuck it I don’t need the she anymore. So it helps to ask and be okay with being corrected since I think it’s rare that someone instantly fully understands their gender now and forever, for a lot of folks it’s a more fluid thing.