really the only good place for it.
lmao, fantastic writing
Today we celebrate a new addition to the Global Tetrahedron LLC family of brands. And let me say, I really do see it as a family. Much like family members, our brands are abstract nodes of wealth, interchangeable assets for their patriarch to absorb and discard according to the opaque whims of the market. And just like family members, our brands regard one another with mutual suspicion and malice.
One of the funniest things about this is that he can’t just go start another company doing the same thing. Because he’s a moron grifter, one of the cornerstones of his legal defense was that “Alex Jones” as depicted on InfoWars was a fictional character that he had created and been playing for years. He argued that since he was playing a character, he shouldn’t be personally responsible for what he said on the show, as it had nothing to do with his own views–it would be like holding an actor liable for what they said in a film. His appearance, presentation style, and even name were all elements of this fictional character, and he trademarked them as such. InfoWars owns the trademark, which means The Onion now owns the concept of “Alex Jones, the blowhard conspiracy guy who presents weird right-wing conspiracy takes on current events loudly and aggressively.” If he tries to go over to OAN or start a new site doing the same thing, The Onion can (and presumably will) sue him for IP infringement, and they’ll likely win. Legendary levels of self-owning (well, not any more!).
They should hire some rando to play Alex Jones the character.
Put his likeness on all sorts of things he’d hate and then donate all the money to people and causes he’d hate.
Alex Jones clean-womb, that could genuinely do some good
Alex Jones branded vasectomy clinics
Alex Jones testosterone supplements (okay real product, but only for trans guys; must show surgical scars to purchase)
Alex Jones puberty blockers
Alex Jones frog gaying serum: all the frogs now, fewer frogs later
Alex Jones yoga mats
Oh my god since he’s an IP, they could start doing deepfakes if him if he quits.
Alex Jones™️ Fluoride Mouthwash
Can’t wait to see “
” offically appear in a 
soonCounterpoint, they won’t win because hellworld.
I dunno, US Courts really like upholding intellectual property laws.
I mean… that’s a fair point. You’ve got me there.
New, far gayer Alex Jones as an ONN host when?
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/onion-wins-alex-jones-infowars-bankruptcy-auction-rcna179936
No shit, it’s not an onion article.
Jones announced the sale on X Thursday morning.
“I just got word 15 minutes ago that my lawyers and folks met with the U.S. trustee over our bankruptcy this morning and they said they are shutting us down even without a court order this morning,” Jones said.
“The Connecticut democrats with The Onion newspaper bought us,” he added.
He went down swinging, slandered them as Democrats on the way out.
Shut the fuck up… I must be dreaming, this isn’t real, it can’t be!
Without even a court order lmao, the court order has been going on for like three years
As for the vitamins and supplements, we are halting their sale immediately. Utilitarian logic dictates that if we can extend even one CEO’s life by 10 minutes, diluting these miracle elixirs for public consumption is an unethical waste. Instead, we plan to collect the entire stock of the InfoWars warehouses into a large vat and boil the contents down into a single candy bar–sized omnivitamin that one executive (I will not name names) may eat in order to increase [gender] power and perhaps become immortal.
This is amazing hahaha finally some good news.
The Onion could capitalize well on this if they make satirical Alex Jones-style rants
The difficult part lies in topping the rants already occurring on InfoWars while still actually being satire (ie, not actually defaming or harming others)
the new home of patriothole
Alex Jones deserves so much worse than what he’s getting, but at least he will have a harder time spreading his bullshit going forward
This makes him so mad, which gives me warm and fuzzy feelings =)
Alex Jones and that type of media poisoned parts of my extended families’ brains and made them eventually cut off and insult children that they essentially co-raised bc those children came out later in life. He should be offered a show trial
Even fake news isn’t immune to media consolidation.
Alex Jones is gonna be State Secretary anyway so I doubt this hurts him too much.
I don’t think Jones has the pull with trump or anything to offer him to get any sort of cabinet position. That said, It would be a very stupid thing to happen, so it probably will.
Jones is a loser, though. Trump hates losers.
Every self-respecting court requires a jester
I would have guessed DOT secretary to monitor them chemtrails
Or maybe DHS or Education for his experience with school safety
lol what if they do something insane with it like run a crazy story like idk… “they’re turning the frickin frogs gay”
Fun fact Alex Jones himself perpetuated that clip because he would then be able to back it up with some bullshit study or another about frog hormones that nobody would actually have read and the exactly right type of ignorant person would stick.
Everytime he goes viral he perpetuates it. That stomp clap parody of him that got popular is like his favorite vidoe
Dollars to donuts, this is the first thing that gets posted.
He’s doing an “emergency broadcast” as he claims evil democrat agents are storming the control room right this moment.
They cut to the cameras inside the control room. Literally nobody but directors/td, sound, cg, etc. Just the people that are supposed to be there, lmao
Jones came back to the desk because he let Bannon run the show, and bannon called for the camera shot. After seeing clearly nobody “bad” in there, Jones came back out and said “oh they all slinked out into the hallway!”
I hope they make good use of the INFOWARS customer list.
infowars.com is officially shut down. I was watching it there to see it all unfold, and the website has officially been taken down. Stream is still up on twitter/other places, but the official site is gone.
Holy shit but actually. That is hilarious.
I legit thought this was an onion articule
Lmao the hell
I never expected that
