The stress of a divorce and the rising tide of fascism have caused me to seriously regress in self care skills over the past few years. I am currently struggling with eating/“meal planning.” I am intellectually capable of understanding what is necessary to grocery shop/plan out meals, and used to be able to do so, but am struggling with executive dysfunction to the point where I cannot.
For the past two years, my diet has been fast food, chips, beer and candy. I had a few “safe foods” - specific brands of frozen meals that were reliable, but of late they are not working. Eg, I have been lying on the floor for the past five hours feeling absolutely famished, have considered going to the refrigerator and making one of the frozen meals that is usually “safe” - and am utterly incapable of doing so. I don’t think I could even eat it if I made it.
I’m guessing this is autism - I’m guessing I’m autistic - but there has never been any means for me to be evaluated. I have talked to my therapist about this, and have not really found the advice helpful.
The most effective thing has been stocking up on things like lunchables to at least get calories in. Sometimes even lunchables will stop being “safe” though. It gets harder to function when I’m hungry, so I get caught in a loop of lying in bed hungrier and hungrier. I know I can’t live off of gas station pizza and Monster, but there have been days where that’s all I feel capable of eating.
You would probably get some good tips from an ADHD community, though the tips here have been good too.
I think you’re overwhelmed, which is probably obvious but it may help to state it plainly. When I’m overwhelmed, it helps if I give myself permission to just drop everything for a bit. Whatever stuff I think I need to get done isn’t going to get done anyway and stressing about it isn’t helping, so I take a breather. Then I start with just basic self care, however much I can manage. I can’t stand going without a shower so that’s a first. Eating might wait if it’s really bad, but I have some meal replacement shakes for emergencies when I really can’t do anything else. I’ll probably isolate and ignore people for a little bit, but if I do it right I start to feel up to talking before too many days go by. But by dropping everything and then adding it back one thing at a time, I stop feeling so overwhelmed.
The world finds a way to keep on going even as we sit still and catch our breath. Trauma and anxiety just make us feel like we might die if we don’t do the things, even though it’s almost never that dire. We have very intense feelings - and it is important to give yourself space to feel and process them - but they are just temporary feelings and you do not have to believe them.
Not necessarily autism, but I can certainly relate so maybe. It sounds like you might need to detox from the news and social media for a bit. You might need some help getting over your divorce but you have imediate control over how much politics you see. Dont believe the hype, your life will go on perfectly well if you ignore the political fanfare. You dont have a responsibility to stay informed and fight for change, that shit is optional. Just look after yourself first of all as it sounds like thats what you need right now.
I think meal replacement shakes are really helpful when you’re stuck in a headspace like this. I’m talking things like Soylent, Huel, etc.
If you buy the powder in bulk it is much more affordable than fast food and quite easy to prepare.
People will argue that they’re worse than whole foods, which is true, but it’s still much better than nothing, lunchables, gas station food, snacks, etc.
Beyond that I think the best thing is to try and reduce the scope of what you want to accomplish so it doesn’t feel overwhelming. Instead of worrying about making food for 3 meals a day everyday. Try instead to make one meal and go from there.
The meal replacement shakes are a good idea. I should have thought of that.
I’ve fallen into basically a pattern of not eating all day, then getting home and then drinking/getting stoned to binge. I could see the shakes making the binging better.
It’s unbelievably frustrating. I fed three people, meal planned, cooked. Didn’t have problems doing dishes. Didn’t have problems cleaning up trash. My apartment should look nice, I should be able to feed myself. When I talk to my therapist she’s like, “you know what you need to do so just do it” - and I just fucking can’t.
Hey, AuDHD person here. Absolutely feel what you’re saying, been struggeling a lot with this again lately, sometimes the eating/grocery shopping issues are worse depending on my mental state.
Thought I would just comment on what you wrote here about your habit of not eating all day. I often do this too especially as I am not really hungry unil midday, or at least I cannot have breakfast as most people would. I noticed however, that I can eat a tiny amount of fruit, half an apple or banana, which then leads to me actually eating around midday more likely or me actually getting hungry a bit later. It’s basically what I learned to prevent me from skipping meals all day and its quick and easy. Maybe it helps
My safe foods currently are rice crackers with peanut butter, apples and instant noodels. I have a jar with a mix of nuts and dried fruits always on display as well.
Don’t pressure yourself too much with all the stuff you think you should do. Give yourself time and acceptance that you’re not able to do it right now. The more you think about it, the worse it usually gets. Not sure if this is good advice but if you can’t tidy up, don’t. At least in my case sometimes I can’t do these things well so usually, I just go with it and accept it, so I just have a few bad days and embrace that I have a few really fucked up days but it also usually changes after a few days and I’m sick of how messy everything is and my tidy side kicks in again. , so I can at least get back to normal level of clean and tidy and keep the extra-household stuff for when my depression gets better. Could be that this is a ADHD causing and Autism helping thing, not sure.
Maybe try wokring on a different strategy with your therapist. Obviously the current one doesn’t help but instead makes you feel worse, which isn’t ideal.
Maybe it’s also about place, so maybe a change in surrounding would be good. Maybe going out and eat in a park or in a restaurant would help, or taking a walk before trying to prepare foods. Maybe you need to change something in your apartment so you get in the mood to sit on a dining table again or being in the kitchen. Reading about your situation, I can imaginge those places are maybe the ones that make you feel very vulnerable and sad as they might remind you of your ex and kids. So maybe try to make your kitchen a happy place again, but your happy place. Put something to look at that makes you happy etc.
If you can, try and go outside for walks in nature and find joy in small things, a bird singing maybe. Find some new hobbies that make you happy. I know this is hard, as usually you lose interest in everything with depression, but it will help improve your well-being.
And if you can’t do all of this, accept it, maybe you’re not yet ready for it mentally. There will be a time for it however, so keep this in mind.
Besides that, hope you can find some inner peace soon. Not the best times currently, so maybe try to avoid everything that makes you downward spiral, esp. world news. It’s not likely that something too dramatic will happen that effects your life directly and drastically as this politics is nothing but a big shit show, so they can live without your attention for a few weeks.
The apartment is another factor. I don’t really have furniture. I’ve been making a “couch” out of scrap T-shirts.
I guess I’ve had politics affect me too much to ignore it. The attacks on education (my career), the attacks on trans people (my life)… I don’t know what will happen when I renew my drivers license.
The hobbies are helpful. When I had more money I went to a pottery studio a few times. A lot of the hobbies are practical right now - sewing the “couch”, fixing my clothes, making dishclothes that I hope will motivate me to clean. Thrifting. I was on a hunt for speakers for a while and that was motivating.
It’s hard to understand it as chemical “depression” when it seems like a rational reaction to the world. I was born the child of a severely mentally ill teenage girl who slept with a man much older than her. I’ve always been “off” in some way - whether it’s autism or ADHD or whatever - there just aren’t the professionals who diagnose these things here. Whatever it was it was enough to make me different enough to bully. The “help” I received was conversion therapy, the troubled teen industry, and my mother’s strange sexual fantasies/advice. I ended up in an abusive controlling marriage which left me financially devastated and effectively bankrupt, while my millionaire ex husband’s family happily supports his little group of prostitutes.
I don’t have friends. I don’t have a support system. If I died, all of my art and books and writing and knitting would end up in a bin somewhere. I don’t feel like I exist. I’ve never seen antidepressants as a solution to these things, and I’ve always reacted strangely to psychiatric medication anyway. There’s very little good quality mental health care here - we have LPCs who play Dr. Phil. I have PTSD from experiences in inpatient treatment.
I’m just supposed to look at this impossible situation, and deal with it. I got fired a couple of weeks ago from my full time job - I was starting on things like unemployment and food stamps, but they won’t be coming. I get through the day by imagining the night - that I can go home, get drunk and high, that food will seem edible or at least I’ll stop caring about finances and spend too much money on delivery.
Losing food is what is breaking me. It’s like the last connection I feel I have to my body, and it’s tenuous at best. The idea that I could get through a week and make myself something nice or go get sushi or something and enjoy it. The only thing I have a sense of “looking forward to” is the dream of the move North - living in a place where I could teach again, a place where I’m not wondering whether getting pulled over will have me arrested for the “wrong” marker (our city jail has killed multiple people - the federal government has been trying to shut it down for a decade) But the prospect of economic collapse is making that dream fade. And if I am here when people start shooting, I will probably die.
So you are in “survival mode”, I see. It’s ok to be in that for a while but I think it gets pretty unhealthy if you can’t improve from there after, say half a year. I’m trying to think about what could help you, so I will go through some of the points you mention and just express my thoughts on this, I hope it is allright and can help you think about everything. I relate to a few things you mention, others I dont but I won’t get into my story much. All in all it’s my opinion so take it with a grain of salt.
Maybe try and work on your mindset a bit so you can be more proactive and not just react to everything thats happening around you. Sure, there are problems you can’t fix all by yourself, but others you can definitely. You have power and that is making desicions about your life and saying “no” to everything that makes you feel unhappy and sad. I can imagine figuring these things out can be especially hard after having been in an abusive relationship, which needs a looot of time to heal, especially if you have other underlying issues (your PTSD). Others have commented on skipping news and social media, which I also think would be good for a while as mentioned previously. Just being with yourself, think about you, your future, your dreams. Maybe 2 weeks is enough. Unfortunately all this social media can be very distracting from actually going out and doing and changing something and it ties a lot into the passive vs. active.
It sounds as if you are a creative person and it’s great that you still have some hobbies that make you cheer up or where you can express yourself. Super important, so keep these going!
I see there’s a lot going on simultaneously and it sounds like hell to go through honestly. To me, top priority would actually not be about not eating enough. I mean you are absolutely right about what you say that food helps you to feel your body, it’s grounding. So as you noticed that, I would argue for you to not worry too much about the food issue but instead, it would be more important trying to get off drinking/consuming daily so you can feel yourself more again and then tackle the food issue. I know you use this to binge eat, but tgat’s not a good habit either. Try to reduce it a bit at least, you need to break that habit, its not the best to just space out each evening, as this is pretty much counter-intuitive to wanting to feel your body. If you really feel the urge to drink, I would recommend beer as I feel this is a pretty “grounding” drink compared to other alcohol beverages. Take in food slow take your time with it and chew a while, try and feel how your body reacts to it. There’s a link missing and you need to find it again.
Next would be trying to improve the financial situation (getting a job) but thats just my personal opinion. Finding a new job while in depression is difficult I assume, but you need some income to survive and to keep your place, otherwise it might escalate quickly. As far as I know there’s not much social support or for housing in the us, so thats up to you to bite through and it sounds as if you really don’t have a support network, which makes this increasingly difficult for you, so it is important to fix asap.
If you managed these two problems, you have a foundation again you can start with. Next on that list would actually be thinking about moving. In all of what you write, I can read plenty of reasons why this would make sense to you, especially the political atmosphere concerning trans rights and the healthcare situation. Maybe it would also help with finding a job and processing the abusive relationship by leaving all those places connected to it behind. Thinking about moving can be a huge deal, but maybe that dream you have is asking to be realized. If that’s an option, its maybe not a bad thing you don’t really have much furniture. Theres up- and downsides to everything ;) And furniture is yeah, a nice thing to have but you will survive without it for a while. The most important to have in life is you and your ideas, your dreams.
Im deeply sorry about assuming politics wouldn’t affect you much, you proved me wrong. I don’t have much hope for the US if I’m honest, and it gives me goosebumps each time I’m reading about all those fears within the trans communities online, which is, well, not a good sign about the future.
Wish you lots of strength to go through this. It sounds cheesy but follow your dreams. If everything around you turns to shit, get out there, it’s time to leave.
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Forces, friend. Depression can cause this too, and of course it can be both -and often is-, but at least it’s much easier to get help with depression and usually the doctors want to rule that out first. Could also be ADHD. Some meds work for depression and ADHD. If you can, try to go and see a doctor. Ask a friend or a family member to help book the appointment and come with you to the clinic if it feels overwhelming. Even some help is better than none. If you have someone you could trust to help you with grocery shopping, that could make a huge difference. Some stores also do home deliveries - going to a grocery store is super draining and it’s difficult to think of anything to eat when you are overwhelmed.
You’ve been through a lot, and the world around is crumbling, which really doesn’t make coping with personal hardship any easier. It’s okay to not make the best choices, for now you are surviving. You are doing your best!
My easy to make safe foods are: noodle salad (rice noodles, lettuce, cucumber, carrot, cilantro, fried tofu with teriyaki sauce and some peanut sauce on top); “oven bread/pizza bread” or grilled sandwich, just put anything on them; tortillas (greens, some protein with spices, sauces); tortilla pizzas from leftover tortillas; raw porridge (basically muesli and oat milk, if there’s seeds or nuts or yoghurt then maybe those, let sit in the fridge overnight). When I was really burned out I used to just cook pasta and put instant sauce in the same pan, maybe add soy or beans or something.
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Making a sandwitch has always been my go-to meal when I can’t think of anything. I always keep some frozen bread that I can just reheat, put cheese, mayo, chicken, whatever, and eat it.
“Rising tide of fascism”
Anyway I would look at simple easy to make meals. Think 20min low prep.
