Been going sicko mode at the gym for 37 days now(?) daily, sometimes twice a day

Down ten pounds

Still unhappy with body, but going for a shower after yesterday squished my tummy inwards in the mirror, and saw myself there for the first time in like 4 years??

There are inescapable aspects of my physique that I can’t do anything about, but I felt like for the first time in ages that feeling okay about myself was something attainable?

Like I can’t really do anything about my shoulder width or height, but my hips and actually look pretty good??

Like if I slim down more and do more squats and hip stuff and core work, I might look like a tall (weird, buff) woman(ish) person instead of “weird queer androgynous guy”

I might look into corset training too? IDK

Reached out to cool lesbian aunt who’s my closest family member, only one I’m out to, she was very supportive and liked my enby helix ear piercing idea

Been really pushing myself to improve like I’m trying to make up for lost time

Been a hermit p much for 4 years

Done a good amount of shrooms lately, think my old best friend from 4/5 years ago that I’ve been meaning to reconnect with is actually my soul mate??

Like we were never romantic, but loved each other deeply and were both only child ppl with fucked up parents and when we got to know each other, it was like we knew each other our entire lives and were sisters that spent our whole lives looking for each other

IDK what to make of that

I’d happily spend the rest of my life committed to this person, but the hypothetical idea of a romantic relationship feels really weird and confusing to me

This is the only person I’ve ever known that I fully felt understood me intuitively and like we’ve known each other our entire lives, and I fucking ghosted them because I was a depressed coward

I dunno what I feel

I feel like I love them more than most married couples I know seem to live each other but the idea of us as a couple instead of like, queer soulmate siblings is very confusing to me

They wrote me a letter when I went dark years ago saying they’d always welcome me back into their life, but this long into missing them, the thought of being rejected by them (which I’d totally understand based on how I’ve acted) might actually kill me

I dunno, I’m drunk and very emotional and miss them more than I think I can continue to bear

My heart hurts

I’m so lonely

I miss my best friend

I hate myself for who I’ve been for the last half decade

I can’t stop thinking about “what could have been” if I had my shit together then

Sorry for being a downer lovely ppl

Gonna go try to sleep off this melancholy

This maybe pushed me over the edge to tears. Anyway I’ll clean it out tomorrow and hope that fixes it.

Relapsed, feel bad, also feel worse about not feeling worse if that makes sense

Angry at self wanting to be perfect and a teetotaler

Angry that I also feel completely justified when I disappoint myself because I never felt good enough for my dad and he’s the reason I became an alcoholic in the first place, and now dealing with him is what causes me to relapse

Meemaw cat gets mini seizures and flops over like she got a leg cramp and a really bad itch and will fall out of a chair when that happens

Spent all evening at the gym, go check on parents tired and burned out (failed my leg press sets, didn’t have enough in the tank to stick to my rowing schedule either)

She has one of her mini seizures, flops out of her chair into his lap, claws his leg accidentally (it’s a completely unintentional thing, she’s done it to me and would never hurt me and she’s 16 and I’ve had her and her sister ((RIP)) since she was a kitten)

He’s drunk as always and says some nasty shit about her (she’s an absolute angel and he’s a disgusting decrepit braindead miserable piece of shit)

Immediately start wishing he’d just fucking die already, wish my mom divorced him before I was born, wish I’d never had to know him, etc

Take care of their dishes, laundry, scoop her box, take out the trash, clean her bowls, fill them and get her fresh water, put away their dinner leftovers they left out (I feel taken advantage of, they’re not that incapable)

Leave and go buy a box of wine and a flask size plastic bottle of bottom shelf vodka (my shifting sobriety self rule was “no spirits”)

Walk to gym because it’s the only other place I go, do ab and back stuff I skipped

Pick up trash on side of road, pick flowers from bougie gated community’s front gate for my windowsill

Listen to podcasts

Angry at everything

Gonna go walk home drunk and stop to stare at a fountain while I listen to angsty music

Maybe tomorrow I can be happier with myself but for tonight I’m fucking livid at everything and exhausted and feel pathetic and am so fucking mad at my shitty parents

The kindest self dialogue I’ve been able to muster lately keeps coming back to “well no wonder you suck, look at how and by whom you were raised”

Thanks brain