I am still catching up on reading this, so the following is more related to the first 2 chapters than 4/5.

One of the things I found hard about reflecting on the first chapter was being sympathetic to the manly men in my own life that have been assholes. I was bullied and teased for “being a wimp” in school (in other words, doing effeminate things like reading and being thin), and as an adult a female relative of mine is dealing with a nasty divorce from a real piece of work manly man who’s deeply betrayed her. Intellectually I appreciate that a lot of the manly man behaviour that’s negatively affected me and the people I love is a direct outgrowth of the patriarchy and patriarchal values as described by hooks. I think hooks is very insightful and does a good job describing the societal pressures on men and how that warps men’s mental health, values and behaviour.

That said, while I find her very readable and even accessible for reflecting on my own thoughts and behaviour, I find it hard to read when I am thinking about these other assholes in my current and past life. I was amab, born and raised as a boy, am a cishet man - I came up with all the same social pressures and patriarchy, my parents weren’t early feminists or anything, I went to church. And yet I didn’t bully other kids in school and didn’t manipulate and betray my wife. I think the reason that I’m struggling a bit with internalizing hooks’ writing is that I view these acts of abuse, negativity, manipulation as a choice. Societal pressure notwithstanding, no one held a gun to the head of these shit bags and forced them to call me homosexual slurs, they made a choice based on what they thought would make them funny or popular. My relative’s ex didn’t get forced to be a narcissistic shit head that’s walking out on their kids, he chose to gas light her and have an affair.

Perhaps these are my patriarchal, non-marxist brainworms talking, but while I’m willing to read and learn from this book, I am not willing to extend the same level of sympathy as hooks to the patriarchal, misogynist fucks who have wronged me and mine. I think part of what makes it difficult is that hooks is so clearly right - the patriarchy does fuck people up and does warp values. I just struggle with going from that clear and obvious systemic pressure to any form of “it’s not their fault”. I appreciate the irony that the dominant emotion that I, a man, have on this subject is anger over magnanimity or forgiveness.