I’m honestly a little bit hesitant to ask this because don’t wanna seem like I’m stepping on toes.

So I’ve been doing some thinking stuff over the last few weeks/months and am starting to question shit.

I’ve always been cis male presenting and for the most part it’s all I’ve really known, but I’m not in the least bit masculine. Back in the early 00s, the term metro-sexual was a thing and I sort of identified with that but like, meh? Idk. Now that just feels chauvinistic for some reason.

Recently I’ve been thinking about my own gender identity and although I present as a male, I honestly don’t really care. I also have that autism(or is it just ND?) thing where I feel like a being or entity in a human suit basically. Like my inner self is controlling the body that people see me as, which is, of course male presenting.

I’ve been looking a bit into agender and demigender and hit some of the checkboxes but not really all, but I also don’t really know another term for essentially “male body but don’t care”. A reddit search brought up “gender apathy” and that’s a kind of maybe I guess.

The only other conclusion is that I am just cis, but fully aware of it maybe? Like I have a way wider understanding of gender and even sexuality than I did a decade ago so maybe I’m just cis and just not toxic about it? I’m just “woke” maybe?

I guess call this a journal-post but def open for discussion. I’m just going through some heavy mental exploration. I’m not sure if there is even a question here. Just me being confused.

I guess a question could be: how do you know? How do you know where you land on the gender spectrum? Or am I just making a mountain out of a molehill?

  • Verenata@hexbear.netEnglish
    3·
    12 days ago

    Could be? It’s wild how much our own individual experiences define it too.

    I mean I have asked my bf if him being white and cis and male maybe lends him proviledge to have the mental space to not care and be able to comfortably disengage. He does agree, i think it’s an interesting conversation. But that’s obviously just his specific circumstances, and its nuanced as he is bi so that is another lens and potential defining experience.

    For example his just looks like a white dude. Regardless of his identity his privilege as a white cis dude let’s him do what he likes for the most part. So therefore he doesn’t have to engage with gender because his cis white maleness and presentation shields him from any discrimination, oppression or bigotry that others face.

    Conversely for me I’ve faced the worst stuff by virtue of being/presenting as a woman. So for me the systemic oppression and sisterhood I’ve found within my gender identity (like I can be at it with another girl but if a dude says something sexist immediately there’s a team effort) become defining characteristics of my identity even though those silly things are a social construct in themselves. Like trauma can define others and my gender defines me by virtue of how I’ve suffered because of it. Currently. Gettjming better. That’s not based, that’s what I need to learn to understand and overcome. To disengage from gender and to do that I objectively have more baggage to overcome than my cis white male bf.

    It’s why terfs are so fucking stupid to me, like they should know what oppression under gender feels like, they should know how it can rot and ruin people and they pretend to talk a big game about feminism and then exclude other women and femmes when we all need to support each other. Scum.

    And like there’s also cis guys who get oppressed by gender too, aaaaaa genders a fuck. Like my bf is bi so he does suffer oppression still. Its all very complicated but I guess the point is it shouldn’t be?

    One day I shall like to be rid of it. Like gender it empowers me but shackles me too.

    You’ll figure it out, and whatever that is I’m sure it will be based but not as based as me muhahahahaha