I’ve decided to go with the flow as of late, and the flow took me in a very interesting direction. I’ve given it some thought, and I realized something: What is gender to me? What do I want out of it exactly, and what do I consider gender to be? Sure, I wanted to present more feminine, and I felt the best way to do that was to be a woman. Is that the case, though? It was a pretty lousy assumption, to be honest. I knew I wanted to start feminizing HRT, but does that inherently make anyone a woman? No, they’re a woman if they want to be, simple as. Do I want to be a woman? Maybe, but at the same time, what do I really want out of it specifically? Do I worry about playing the role perfectly at every turn, am I bothering to play a role? Isn’t that what I’m trying to avoid? Shouldn’t I just be trying to be myself? Why do certain things, like coming up with a name, seem so difficult for me, why do I struggle to identify with anything, why do I feel like she/her pronouns work some times and not others, why do I feel like other pronouns work some times and not others (still hate he/him though)? Why does gender seem to encroach on my sense of self at times? Am I trying to conform to a binary I wasn’t meant to conform to? Why does this give me such doubt, why do I feel doubt about this stuff? It’s not even about my transness, I know I am, I’ve known that I am, and I don’t even see myself as cis at the worst of times anymore, but where does that leave me?

Recently, I’ve been exploring new pronouns. I asked you all to vote on pronouns for election day, and I honestly vibed with all of them. Okay, maybe not pup/pup’s, but would it really piss me off if someone used that? No. I realized all of the pronouns out there (minus he/him) sound great, and feel like they could fit, and I don’t mind being called by those pronouns. At the same time though, there are times where it feels like nothing fits. This sums up my thoughts, it feels like no matter what gender I try to realize for myself, no matter what I try to identify as, something goes wrong. I feel trapped, I feel like there’s always a limit, even if there isn’t necessarily.

A bit ago, I said that the label of demigirl fits me best, and it was the label I first identified with after my egg cracked. What I forgot, both in memory and mention, was that my egg didn’t originally crack that day a few months ago. It cracked much earlier, and I had already internalized that identity. I may have presented cis (and not really been a fan), but the identity itself felt like it fit me. I’m fucking weird, I don’t fit into anywhere, anything, and that probably applies to gender. I may feel dysphoria at times, may feel the need to cling onto gender in a desperation to have a sense of self, but I am not my gender. I am a human being, with the same level of identity as any other, regardless of what my gender identity may be.

So, it’s time for the gender reveal . You may have been getting an idea based on what I have been saying, but I think that being agender is simply where I want to be . By forsaking gender entirely, I eliminate the endless struggle. I can present however I want to, do whatever I want to (although I could as any gender, this is how it feels for me) without feeling like my sense of self is constantly shifting. I am who I am, beyond gender. What I want for my physical appearance, or how I want to act in the moment, doesn’t change that.

I feel like it’s going to be tough to let go. I could just be in the middle of a very long 10% agender arc. I could wake up tommorow and decide I want to be a woman again, gender is a fuck and I’m not going to pretend I understand it. For now, though, I’m going to identify as I want to, as I feel most comfortable. I know I do this at least every other week, to the point where it could be a site meme, but I really do feel that every time I start to grasp something, it’s like a breakthrough. If this one sticks, cool! I’ve found it out. If it doesn’t, cool! I’ve still found something out. So, that’s me. I’ll leave a bit of extra content/context below, but I’m excited to see where my journey brings me, and I always have been, even if it’s really confusing

I’m making this account in an attempt to shift my account from a gendered name to a username. It should also hold up if things are to change (I have no confidence that it won’t). Anyway, I felt like I needed the fresh start. A lot has changed in the past few months. Also, I’ve noticed that how I act greatly reflects how I present, and that includes online. So, changing my account might change that as well.

I’m effete and my meat is petite

Things were really going well until I had to eat today. No drinking, no serious cravings, worked all day so I was distracted, it was great. I’ve been on a really good streak recently, I haven’t even started Naltrexone yet and I’m feeling good on that. I didn’t eat yesterday and I didn’t really want to eat tonight but I made myself eat so of course I ate way too much and feel guilty about it. It makes me feel dysphoric too because like oh am I not worth transitioning for? I feel like I’ve gotten worse looking everyday in my transition, and much of it is my fault. Cig stains on my teeth, shitty skin from a few years of drinking and generally being malnourished yet bloated because of my vices

When I’m not sober, I am passively bullemic, no thought goes into it, but I’m vomiting all the time and eating too much, or not eating at all depending on the day. I was just like that. Now I still have to fight those habits except there’s intent behind them now. Now instead of not eating because I forgot, I don’t eat because I don’t want to. Now instead of just naturally binging, I do it in response to stress. Maybe I was always like this and just forgot who I really was before I ever started drinking.

Self harm heals up, pain returns, si thoughts return. Literally just kill me Trying to be safe, trying to do okay. Sorry I keep complaining about all the same stuff. Just feel shitty and miserable I guess. Trying to resist the urge. The spiral just keeps going, I feel like I have no control over how I feel.

Why am I this way and when will it end. This constant loop is awful and I can’t keep going with it.