We love our dipshits don’t we folks?

Okay for the actual serious emotional bit. It’s weird to think about Maria’s transition ages compared to mine. We’ve known we’re trans for about the same amount of time at 4 years, but she’s been on hormones for seemingly that whole time whereas I only got on them less than a year ago. And yet I feel like I’ve matured out of being like her. I certainly used to be quite similar, but I’ve kinda moved past it I think. But despite that she’s still ahead of me in the other way, the big hormones-y way. And that’s so weird. And it’s extra weird that there are just, people out there, even in this megathread, who are also like that. That there are trans people who didn’t experience repressing for 3 years before getting the chance to take HRT, before getting the chance to wear any euphoric clothing. And then thinking about that it feels like there’s a disconnect between myself and other people because of it? But I’m able to empathise and relate to people despite that disconnect in experience. But now I’m realising I don’t think I know anyone older than me who went through this same sort of transition experience. The two elders I knew before Hexbear were either a rich kid who transitioned very young since she was also intersex, or a puppygirl who I think is still repressing to this day and didn’t ever really act like an elder. And here I can’t think of anyone who has had similar circumstances to me that isn’t younger in their transition. Or maybe I’m too focused on my particularities to really see how other people have gone through similar-but-different experiences here. Idk. I don’t really have a particular point here just this book is making me think about that disconnect in a way I haven’t before.

The other serious bit. Maria talks about how she needs to do stuff with her hands to focus, is that a neurodiverse thing? I always thought it was but I just realised reading that that I’m not actually sure. It’s one of the things that made me start to suspect I’m on the spectrum last year though since I do that exact shit, it’s half the reason I don’t watch movies much cuz I can’t focus without some active physical component to the thing I’m doing.

The Internet at that time was this big, exciting place where you could anonymously spill your guts about gender and discomfort and heteronormativity and how weird male privilege felt and lots of other things, except back then she didn’t really have language for it so she just went like: everything sucks and I am totally sad. Just over and over and over and over, with minor variations and the occasional cuss word. It couldn’t have been very compelling to read, but writing about it at length made her pay attention to patterns and stuff and introduced her to the first real-life trans people she met, even if they were on the Internet and didn’t know what they looked like. She’d stay up all night, night after night, gushing her feelings all over the Internet until she figured out she was trans, transitioned, and wound up having the exact same problems as every other messed up, emotionally shut-off person in New York. She doesn’t post there as much as she used to but she still has that blog. People read it. Kids who are figuring out that they’re trans look up to her. It’s kind of nice although since there are so few decent resources for trans women that aren’t for rich trans women or boring trans women, sometimes being the big sister is exhausting.

Clearly Maria needs a Hexbear Trans Megathread in her life.

More seriously I can sometimes feel that last bit about big sistering being exhausting, but I love to do it anyways. It makes me feel more like me when I try to be a compassionate inspirational figure. I know I’m not really, since I’m actually really mean and awful, but it feels like who I want to be, who I should be. And it makes me happy to push myself to be that, even if I suck at it.

She tells the Internet about her early night, her early morning, the haircuts in the diner, figuring out her life.

/thread

Of course she fucking hates Serano posters. She is exactly that sort of person