I know it’s a at best a useless mindset, as nothing will make me somehow magically get a new chance at those years. But it’s still a strong feeling and it’s still there.
I’m doing my best to push through it, I’m out there talking to people, but there’s usually a point where we are sharing personal anecdotes and I just feel my stomach tightening, as I barely have any of those. I have no experiences which means I have no identity which means I am uninteresting.
At the risk of sounding cheesy as hell…there’s this story i read a long time ago as a child and it really stuck to my ribs. It was in some Christmas compilation but it was sad as shit, but anyway this tree is in a forest, and it’s unhappy because theyre smaller and further than the other trees and the squirrels make keep em awake. It’s cut down from there and made into a Christmas tree all done up pretty, but the candles burn and too many people gather around and lil tree spends their time reminiscing about the time spent in the forest. You can see where this is going, it ends up as firewood, and as it burns it recalls everything it had experienced, sorry that it was over. I think what struck me most was how the lil tree never learned anything, even at the very end.
Besides the very saccharine lesson to focus on the present rather than dwell on what you may have lost to time, lil’ tree also never thought they were worth anything. The prettiest tree in the forest, a beautiful centerpiece, a home and storyteller to mice, a source of warmth and light. Because it only saw itself, it never understood that others saw it differently even as they showed it in their actions.
So like i use this as a lesson I’m still trying to learn, not one i deserve to teach. But you don’t have to prove yourself to the people that already want you around (im assuming this is about personal relationships not like work stuff). Just because you think you’re uninteresting doesn’t mean they do, feel me? I for one seriously doubt you have an anecdote about an interest that would bore me and i don’t even know you yet
Holy shit, this post is gold. I need to internalise this, I need to internalise this, I need to internalise this, I need to internalise this…
To add something a bit more constructive: I always feel deeply sad about the stories where “they never learned,” probably because it’s so relatable. What a tragedy to go so long and never figure it out. I want to learn, I want to change, I want to be better.
Yeah, it really drives home the fact that lesson is one we all struggle to internalize. Most of us will never know what we mean to other people, especially when it’s so hard to see the good parts of ourselves. The lil tree shows us that by acting just as we do, and the writer leaves it to the reader to see what they missed. It was probably the first story i had read that was like that so was powerful for young me.
Not powerful enough to internalize it tho lol even after all this time.
I thought of an example that shows i’m still working. My uncle suggested recently i come to a gathering of mixed family and friends. I said (i love my self deprecation) “i dunno i don’t think I’d have anything to bring to the table” and he looked at me like i was an idiot replying “yes, cuz that’s why i asked you to come”
It took me a long time to get that i don’t have to bring anything but myself, or said a different way, that it was my company itself he wanted. That that was enough. and i still kinda don’t get why that would be. That idea that is possible still surprises me when I’m presented with it every time.
Kinda reminds me of this one:
Area Man Always Nostalgic For Four Years Ago
I have this idea that people are like shooting stars: fleeting and short-lived in the grand scheme of things, but they can be meaningful for the people lucky enough to catch them. I want to a bright-shining shooting star that gives people hope and lifts their spirits by being a positive role model. I feel like I have so much potential for that if I could work myself out.
Well the good news is (in my opinion) you don’t have to work yourself out before you try to help other people, cuz in my experience the number one thing people want is understanding and empathy not someone with answers, yeah? Anywho that’s how it’s worked out for me.
Oh, absolutely. People are never “complete”, and nobody’s perfect. The “clean your own room first” notion is often a mere excuse to ignore your criticisms.
What I meant with it is that I feel like I have so much potential within me, but things like a fragile self-esteem and various insecurities prevent it from coming to full fruition. With more life experience, mental balance and some support from others, I could reach full self-actualisation and focus more on helping/inspiring others and taking initiative, rather than just getting by. I see things slowly changing, I have a lot of hope for myself as long as there’s change.