First, sorry for dodging around some words here. I’ve got some trauma and a lot of words are hard for me to say. You don’t need to watch your own language, it’s only saying them, not hearing them, that triggers anxiety in me.
I’m gonna get right into it. I hate having a dick. I want to get surgery. Zero depth specifically, because I straight up don’t have the mental willpower to go through dilating, no matter how infrequent. I can barely stand the fact that my hormones come out of a bottle instead of my body, so I don’t need more reminders of what I am. I’d rather just feel like a girl born without a canal who chose to never have that fixed.
But that’s not where the problem comes in. Now, for context, I’m a virgin, but nonetheless I know what I’d enjoy. I know I’d very greatly enjoy using what I already have for penetration. In fact, I know I’d enjoy it enough that the idea of getting rid of it for the option that I’m more comfortable with all of the rest of the time somehow seems unappealing. Like if I got rid of it, then I’d regret it in every sexual encounter for the rest of my life. I also know for certain I wouldn’t enjoy using, say, a strap on nearly as much.
And that brings on an additional problem, because every other time I’ve consistently regretted not getting the surgery sooner. And now I feel like I’m having to pick between one regret or another, and I can’t pick. No matter what I’m gonna wish I did the opposite.
Maybe I’d regret getting the surgery less, but how am I supposed to know until I’ve already gotten it? And that’s the issue. The only way I can find to make this decision is to make it first and just wait and see if I regret it, and that feels horrifically irresponsible. I know I can’t ask somebody else to make my decision for me, but does anybody at least have some advice to help me make it myself? Maybe an angle I haven’t considered?
I’ve been on hormones over 5 years now and I just want to finally have some closure and feel like I’ve completed my journey. All that’s left on my list is this and legally changing my name. Since I can’t afford hair removal I’m just dealing with shaving. I don’t hate my facial hair anyway, just don’t want others to judge me for it. I just need to get every box ticked even if some of those boxes are gonna be ticked as “opt out.”
I used to hate having a penis but now I could actually live with it for the rest of my life (still getting bottom surgery when I’m able tho)
Maybe it’s just the feeling of “not being trans enough”? Maybe a part of ur brain still sees penises as exclusive to men even if u only feel that on urself
That’s definitely a factor. I dated somebody for a while who wasn’t just okay with the idea of me keeping it, but was even enthusiastic about it, and for that time I was a lot more comfortable with it, but I still wanted surgery, just not as badly as I did before. I think it’s not so much the “I need to get the surgery to be a real woman” though, and more “I need to get the surgery to feel complete.” Like I feel like I haven’t finished everything I wanted for so long to do and just deciding not to now would feel like, why was I concerned about it for so long?
But there is also an aspect of what I have just feeling wrong. I know what I’d want if it was possible, but it literally isn’t physically possible. I’d want female anatomy that can grow into male functioning anatomy when needed. That’s technically possible in a satisfactory way with some surgeries, but it’s not something that’s an option for me. I’m on medicaid, so I can only get what’s covered, and that isn’t. I have to choose one or the other.
Holy shit that’s a thing? :O r u sure it’s not possible? I dont even know how expensive my bottom surgery will be yet but I’m guessing a number that would be very much unreachaable for me alone and I guess I’ll need to travel very far for it but my family is fine with supporting me financially until I get there :> If u have a good relationship with ur family maybe u could ask them for help? I bet they’d want to help if u tell them how u feel
My only supportive family is on my mom’s side, and all of us live in complete poverty. My dad’s side has money, but is incredibly religious to the point where they view any surgery on genitals at all as an affront to god. So in other words, it’s just straight up not possible unfortunately.
I gotta pick one or the other, and at the moment I’m leaning toward keeping what I have because I can undo that decision, but my medicaid will not cover undoing the surgery if I choose to get it.
hmm yeah I guess keeping it is a good idea then! I think that’s what I’d do
Also maybe hopefully one day that medicaid will also cover that surgery or u’ll find a way to get the money for it! :>