I’m trans, came out just a couple of months ago. I don’t post about this on Lemmy very often (if at all), but it’s been a struggle. My dysphoria - in a nutshell, the incongruency between what I see in the mirror and what I want to look like as a woman - has had a profound effect on me. I’m pushing fifty, and I can honestly say transitioning is the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.
I have good days and bad days. Today is a good day, but on the bad ones I feel as though I look like Quark in the DS9 episode “Profit and Lace.” I’ll tell myself all kinds of awful, self-hating transphobic things like “you’re just a man in a dress” or “ugh what is that thing” or “freak” or “you’ll never be a real woman.” What a repulsive thing to say to yourself, how terribly unkind. I have specific issues with my facial hair, which are being addressed, but things like that take time. It’s like I’m fighting a battle against my own body, something I think most people can’t easily relate to. It’s hard to be patient while living in this (emotionally) painful in-between state, not knowing if I’ll ever be happy with myself. If it weren’t for my incredibly supportive wife, I’m not sure where I’d be right now.
Yeah, today is a good day. For now, at least. I feel safe and comfortable posting this here, you guys have always been a supportive and accepting community and I’d like to say thank you for that. Maybe I should start posting in the blahaj instance rather than bombarding you guys with this. Anyway, I’m gonna sign off for a while, I got my hands full at work today and gotta focus. Thanks for letting me vent.
First, I’m happy that you feel comfortable posting about this here in a Star Trek community. Something about that makes me feel “correct” in my love for Trek.
I cannot directly relate to your struggles with dysphoria, but I am trapped in a body that tortures me. For all of my life I have struggled with autoimmune problems that were only diagnosed a few years ago. In that time, I have gone from having a decent job with decent pay to being unemployed and broke. After a couple of years of unemployment, I am working again but not anywhere near the salary level I was previously.
Nothing I could have done would have prevented my health problems - at least not altogether. My body hurts practically always, and I have hormonal issues that can only be addressed to a point.
As I put it, my body has betrayed me and become my walking prison. I had to make some major adjustments just to survive this shit, and I’m still struggling with just feeling healthy. I don’t imagine that I will ever be happy with my body for the rest of my life.
So while we don’t have the same issues, I think our suffering makes us siblings of sorts. I hope things get better for you! Just take things one day at a time and be sure to watch some Trek!
Thank you, PlasticExistence, for sharing. I must admit after reading your comment that in turn cannot directly relate with your struggles. I have health issues of my own that involve chronic pain (sciatica, arthritis), but I cannot compare it with what you’re going through. Friend, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. I hope one day there is some breakthrough that can bring you relief.
You’re right, I suppose that does make us like siblings. Hello sibling! Hug I do try to take things a day at a time, thank you. And yes, I make time for Trek whenever I can. There’s something about that show, I think it’s that hope for a better tomorrow that always keeps me coming back.