i figured it out last year. I was working in harm reduction and the place I was working also has a trans advocacy group. so we got a presentation about trans acceptance and how to deal with it in our workplace. part if the presentation was on what it means to be trans, saying that the only requirement was identifying differently than what you were assigned at birth.

thru my 20s I often thought something like “I would totally identify as non binary now if I was aware of the concept when I was younger.” I could nor relate to cis people who were confident in the gender binary, but more importantly I couldn’t relate to trans people who were assigned a gender at birth but KNEW they were a different gender. Like if someone was trans and said “I always knew I was a boy” it was completely alien to me, having grown up AMAB I never once felt like I was a boy. Trans people were having gender certainty I had never experienced.

Non binary never hit quite right tho, I felt like there was still some level of gender occurring, and I didn’t understand it. So…

I’m agender. No gender here lol. I’m not trying to do anything about it. In life I go by he him and it doesn’t bother me at all. It correctly identifies my physicality, my male privilege, etc. Sometimes I think maybe I should insist on they them because it would help normalize different pronouns, but honestly just like not really feeling being nonbinary, it doesn’t bother me at all when I’m referred to as him. Its a word, that doesn’t reflect my lack of gender but doesn’t matter to me.

I’ve never told anyone this before lol. So I’m still new at thinking about what this means.

  • combat_brandonism [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    14·
    9 months ago

    I couldn’t relate to trans people who were assigned a gender at birth but KNEW they were a different gender

    It wasn’t until the recent death panel ep on one of the host’s book about transmisogyny that I learned that this idea of ‘born trans’ (maybe born gay too?) is a socialized phenomenon resulting from the pathologization of gender.

    Like in that to get the psych to sign off on your papers their lit says you have to have always identified as whatever gender. So trans people learned to lie to fit in the DSM box that got them the health care they needed.

    • AutomatedPossum [she/her]@hexbear.netEnglish
      7·
      9 months ago

      Sorta kinda. I live in a country that still has medical gatekeeping around gender affirming care, so to get approved for bottom surgery i had to - among a bunch of other utterly and completely useless and degrading shit - come up with a trans CV. Like, an actual CV were you explain your career of being very gender. “Having always known” isn’t a requirement, and hasn’t necessarily been one in the past, but a history of repressing your transness was definitely something that was held against people in the past. So in my case, just to make sure and to fill space with stuff these eggheads actually understand, i threw a bunch of stuff about how i acted GNC from age 5 at the doctors, listing off instances of me putting on makeup or wearing women’s clothes or being bullied for acting too girly and so on. I had plenty of that. It was easy to fill a couple pages with that crap. It had nothing to do with what being trans means to me, but it was something that helped some dork who gets to decide if they want to completely crush the hopes and dreams of trans people greenlight me getting a vag.

      The thing is, i made none of that stuff in the CV up. That all happened. It’s largely irrelevant to who i am now, it does not define me, but i’m absolutely in team “i never was a man.” I just didn’t know that for most of my life. And that’s a fairly common thing among trans people, to have a long history of phases where you’re being confused, or completely repressing, or being in denial, interspersed with moments where things just come bubbling up. That’s highly common. There is a kind of consistency there, almost nobody i’ve known for a long time was particularly surprised when i came out. It made sense. I just wasn’t ever one of these kids that walk up to their mom at age 5 and tell them that there must be a mistake because they have a peepee, but they’re actually a girl. There definitely are people who act like that from a very young age, tho, we see that with trans kids nowadays. It’s rare, it has no bearing on if somebody is actually trans (basically everybody who says so is) and that kind of early childhood dead certainty is indeed falsely made out to be the norm, but it actually happens.

      I get that “born this way”, both for being gay and for being trans, is something that a lot of postmodernists see as constructed. To quote Foucault, “the Sodomite had been a temporary aberration. The homosexual was now a species.” Queerness as something you are and not as something you do is a rather recent concept in Western societies. It’s just that, as usual, that simply means Western societies have been full of shit for ages. From my own lived experience and that of basically every queer person i know personally, the “born this way” hypothesis mostly works, albeit not in the way it is typically portrayed as. Queer identities are more messy, blurred and fluid than something that comfortably fits in a one-paragraph explanation, but that doesn’t mean people aren’t on to something when talking about sexual orientation and gender identity.

      • combat_brandonism [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
        5·
        9 months ago

        Yeah I mean OP even gets at that too, “having grown up AMAB I never once felt like I was a boy.” Which mirrors my experience growing up AFAB but not ever being super comfortable with femininity.

  • whoops@hexbear.netEnglish
    14·
    9 months ago

    I sorta thought of myself like that when I was younger. Somehow I’m now more confused. I currently think my gender confusion is (in my specific case only) a product of mental issues and self-loathing.

    Identifying as nonbinary basically isn’t an option where I live. Daily interactions would become instantly standoffish and I would be treated as an outsider. Nobody would take it seriously, and I don’t even think it would be worth anything to me. Do people openly identify as enby outside of queer or younger circles? How does that go?

  • NoLeftLeftWhereILive@hexbear.netEnglish
    9·
    9 months ago

    Oh I feel this. Hexbear is the first and only place where I am “officially” presenting myself as something other than she/her which I am not at all sure about anymore, but I don’t mind it either. I feel like my gender is just my name, I have just always been “just me” as in no particular strong feelings of being anything really apart from just me. Not sure if that makes sense. Have had very hyper-feminine years in my life and also times when I loved wearing my grandfathers old suits and being pretty masculine, but am starting to think my anxious drive to “be a girl” when younger was more from being bullied and not presenting gender normatively aka sticking out rather than what I wanted to be/am.

    I have very broad shoulders and been told I behave “boyish” and was bullied for my size for years which I think explains why I so wanted to be more normative aka petite and more feminine. But, once I found sports and lifting in later life I felt so much more at home in that role, embracing the bigger frame and the way I am. Yet didn’t still feel like I want to be masculine, but instead I am just me. Pretty sure being audhd is connnected to this too.

    Not sure if any of that makes any sense and this is the first time I am trying to articulate this in any way, but your post just resonated with me.

  • Moss [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    8·
    9 months ago

    Same! I’ve had the exact same thought process. I never identified much with the labels of man or woman, and I’ve never been interested in presenting gender.