Hello everyone! My name is Emma. I’ve been thinking I was gender non conforming for about five years now, but didn’t have the courage to act on my desire until I entered into my current relationship two years ago or so. My partner is queer and very supportive of me. I started to realize how unhappy my perception of my body and gender was; how unhappy I was with others perception of my gender. As a result, I started medical transition about nine months ago. I have desire to change my voice, to have breasts, to reduce the amount of body hair I have. And yet, I don’t really carry myself differently or act much differently than before. I’ve always crossed my legs when I sit and tried to make myself seem smaller than I am because I’ve always hated my height (I’m very very tall).
One thing that definitely has changed is that I’ve gotten more and more dysphoric over the short time I’ve been on hormones. I’ve talked about this with my partner and thought through it myself and believe, to a degree, that this is due to me unpacking pain that I had repressed over time. That the discomfort with my body was always there and I had just always crushed it down to allow myself to function despite it. This came at a cost of worsening depression, anxiety, and insecurity. For example, I never enjoyed shopping for clothes, looking masculine, wearing anything that showed off my body. As a result I never felt comfortable in my clothes or body and hated my appearance. Now though, I love shopping for clothes! At least online anyway, in person stores never have clothes for women my height :p (love you long tall sally!)
But… there’s a devil on my shoulder which says that I’m becoming more dysphoric because I’m not really trans. Because I’m really a man and I’m just lying to myself. I’m just doing this because I never felt I had a space to belong. I’m just appropriating the culture of people I respect and admire. I’m just trying to fit into women’s spaces, take advantage of the kindness of queer people to gain a sense of community where I never had one before. Writing that out, the internalized transphobia is pretty clear, huh?
I think part of my ever increasing feeling of dysphoria is not dressing how I want to and presenting how I want to out of fear of harassment or abuse from others in public. I ride public transit everywhere and see people get harassed daily and don’t want that to be me. So, I dress more masculine out of fear. Because of that masculine presentation, I get scared to use the women’s restrooms at work and find myself hiding in the stalls until all the other people leave before I go wash my hands. Which is dumb, because people at my job are super supportive and kind. Thinking of myself as a woman always feels wrong because I’m not feminine enough, my voice is too low, I’m too tall, I wear more masculine clothes, etc.
So lately I’ve been wracked with insecurity wondering if this was all the right decision for me. I have the same interests and the same depression. Obviously estrogen didn’t cure my mental illness. Transitioning has made some aspects of it worse and some aspects of it more bearable. And the worry that’s always there is whether I’m doing all this for the right reasons. Whether my dysphoria will ever start decreasing in severity rather than increasing. At the same time, the thought of detransitioning is agonizing.
It feels silly looking back now on how I thought transition would cure my mental illness. How I thought going on estrogen would cure my dysphoria. How I thought leaving my home state of Texas and moving to a more progressive state would free my mind and body from transphobia external and internal. There is no magic cure for mental illness or dysphoria. There is no promised land free of transphobia.
Ultimately, I’m doing okay. Im still happier and more comfortable than I was when I thought I was a man. I’m making this post wondering if any of you have/had a similar experience, similar anxieties, or similar doubts to me. How do you cope with your anxiety about transition or insecurity in your identity? How do you deal with stagnant or worsening dysphoria?
Oooh you sound just like me. If you read my recent “Miracle Year” post here I think you will identify quite closely with it especially the parts about fear of being yourself. Except… you are stuck in the middle and haven’t yet come through the other side. You haven’t had your “breaking free” moment. That’s ok. It takes time, and everyone’s journey is a little different.
First, have you considered that your anxiety and depression might not be caused by dysphoria? There doesn’t always have to be an obvious cause… sometimes our brains just work differently and it’s not something that ever “goes away” but requires lifelong management.
I will say that when I am in a depressive episode, and it can certainly be exacerbated by weather, seasons, stressors, etc., it is very difficult to think positively of myself. My negativity turns inward, and at those times I wonder what is wrong with me, what I’m doing wrong to feel this way, and the tendency is to be hypercritical.
What if I told you, you aren’t doing anything wrong to feel depressed and anxious, but it truly can’t be helped? The solution which I hope you have access to, is medication and/or therapy from a qualified individual. You will likely never be “cured” but it is possible to learn how to cope, how to identify unhealthy thoughts, and minimize the effects.
Now more to the point. You want breasts and overall a more feminine appearance. That is dysphoria. You have an internal need for a body which doesn’t match the one you were born into. You have taken steps to change this. You have gender dysphoria and you are transgender. There is no simpler or more obvious definitions than these :)
Really your situation could be much more complicated. You don’t mention anywhere that you regret transitioning or that you dislike the changes you’ve experienced, or regret taking HRT. Rather, you say that problems remain and you are looking for solutions, particularly in the realm of social transition if I’m understanding you correctly.
Let’s work with the facts you have dysphoria and are transgender. So anything you feel, doubts, anxiety, whatever, are not a question of “appropriating” gender identity or faking it. You can’t fake what by definition is an inherent part of you.
In my “Miracle Year” post I identify retrospectively what delayed my progress and held me back. What I still struggle with. Are you ready? I have found the enemy and the enemy is… us. It’s you, it’s me. We are our own worst enemies. We allow doubts and uncertainties to control us. We impose artificial barriers and constraints on ourselves. Sure, others might not like us, but who holds the real power?
Did you know that, when you are in the bathroom afraid to leave the stall, you could just as easily leave with confidence and even make small talk with other women as you wash your hands, check your makeup, or whatever?
Did you know that tomorrow you could decide to confidently wear any outfit you want on public transport?
Obviously you have to consider your safety. Safety was always one of my primary concerns. It’s a scary world sometimes. I would suggest not traveling alone when possible. Having my partner with me really helps me gain the self-confidence to be myself in public.
Have you tried voice training? Unfortunately HRT alone won’t help, it will require a concerted daily effort to change. There are youtube videos, apps like Voice Tools. I’ve been seeing a speech therapist for personalized care, sadly my insurance doesn’t pay the $200/session fee, not everyone will find that manageable, but it has been super helpful. I didn’t begin voice therapy until almost three years into my transition.
Do you have a plan, maybe just a list of things you want to accomplish as part of your transition? I found that writing them down helps me focus, and it provides a great sense of accomplishment to measure my progress, marking items off the list.
Maybe brainstorm a little, write down things you still need to work on, for example voice training, dressing authentically in public, changing gender markers, updating name and pronouns, etc.
Well this is a quite long comment even if I feel so much more could be said, but I hope if you have any questions or lingering doubts, you will ask away :)
Thanks for the comment. You’re right about the depression and anxiety not being necessarily related to my dysphoria. I’ve had severe depressive episodes my whole life, going all the way back (based on what my parents have told me) to when I was a young child. I know I’m not ever going to escape it entirely and I’ve made some peace with that. It’s just how my brain is. Been in therapy/psychiatry for almost a decade now, sans the last year or so. I do believe that a catalyst for my worst period of depression (when I was around 15) was puberty and I think that’s related to deep seated dysphoria and resentment of the changes that physical maturity brought about in my body. My depression is… I think better now than it has been. It’s certainly different with a different prominent sex hormone. Less prolonged episodes of detachment and emptiness, more severe intrusive thoughts and rumination—bordering on obsession. From what I’ve read it seems like a lot of other trans people also have experience with their symptoms of mental illness shifting or contorting after starting HRT.
I think making a plan and checklist to track my progress is a great idea. I think I’ve been overwhelmed with all the things I want to do and thus haven’t made steps towards any of them. Legal name and gender marker change, voice training, etc. Thanks for the advice!
Yeah, my issues also worsened after puberty, although that’s pretty common with mental health. I think gender dysphoria became a clearly distinguishable phenomenon for me in my mid-twenties. My body developed slower than average, so facial and body hair didn’t become a pressing concern until then. I looked naturally effeminate and androgynous, and the potential loss of that was kinda devastating and triggered gender explorations.
My mind has definitely changed since HRT. I’m not sure if there’s any scientific evidence for this yet. But like, one thing that happened is I lost virtually all interest in technical work, like engineering or programming that used to captivate me. I can’t do it anymore. But in its place, I feel so much more connected to artistic endeavors. Writing, drawing, composing, or just admiring others’ work.
I don’t think it’s because a sex hormone decides our abilities, but rather it changed my perceptions and kinda rewired my brain. New antianxiety and antidepressant meds also played a role, I’m sure.
Emotions are a bit different now, the highs and lows feel different, the strongest emotions like love feel different. I feel them flowing through my whole body, it’s hard to explain. The sort of tingly electrical feeling, and bliss of love and attraction.
Thank you for writing this post. I related heavily to the OP and reading your comment there were a few things that struck me and has me looking inward.
It means a lot to see others perspectives and experiences, it really helps me ground and tackle my own struggles.