Does anybody else do this?
I’ve finally realized that the weird imbalance I feel in every relationship I actually care about is that I am far more deeply interested in other people than they are me. I’ve come to the realization that I make other people a special interest for myself, and that it hurts me when they don’t reciprocate this thing that they admittedly never asked for but do happily soak up.
What do?
I’m finally going to have to scrape up the money for therapy and the courage to actually talk to someone other than an anonymous internet rando about this, aren’t I? You guys can’t actually tell me the magic words to fix me, right?
I am not loving it
This isn’t really a “special interest” I think so much more as just how NDs engage with things and people in general. We’re very hot and cold on things, and tend to decide whether we like someone/something pretty quickly, and if we do we go pretty hard. Special interests are just things that hit all the right buttons.
As far as I can tell, the thing to do is find and interact with other neurodivergent people and have a better chance of finding that bestie who is as into you as you are into them. In theory. Personally struggling with a lot of alienation myself right now, so I can’t tell for sure.
This is definitely something I experience. Ive read that it can be really difficult for ND people to define relationships, it’s kinda all or nothing, which is super relatable to me. The distinct categorizations of best friend, good friends, acquaintances, etc. and all of those categories just doesn’t really register for me. If I like you I usually really like you. I’m better at making distinctions now but I used to want EVERYONE to be my friend and got really hurt and confused when my bids for friendship weren’t reciprocated how I expected
My question is - is this a special interest or is it emblematic of a deep form of masking?
I’d say that people who skew towards high masking, e.g. AFAB folks, women, and late-diagnosed autistic people, are much more inclined towards extending their masking into their intimate relationships where it goes from curating a superficial personality and mode of self-expression to be palatable to the people who you are around into something where your intimate relationships define a lot about who you are and what you do to the exclusion of your needs, your interests, and your independence.
In effect this often closely resembles a lot of what is seen in a codependent relationship.
The reason why I ask this is because you mentioned that it isn’t reciprocated. It might be worth really digging into what reciprocation truly means to you in this respect and exploring whether or not this is a healthy way of having a relationship.
Thank you, this has given me a lot to think about it.
I do this as well and for me personally it was because I was in denial about my bad childhood. Basically my parents were dangerous and unpredictable and fawning over them made them more manageable. Now my brain equates being liked to safety so I always try too hard in social settings. I’ve been working on it but pretty sure I need therapy too lol
This is what happened to me, too. ❤️ thank you for helping this feel less lonely.
Thing is, you can’t read minds. How do you know to what degree people are interested in you? Do you have them put a drop of blood in the interest-o-meter and then compare results? Do they tell you that they are not interested? Or do you hyper analyze everything they do and try to plot out exactly how interested they are and then gauge it off a metric you’ve personally developed that may be heavily skewed by your lack of self-esteem? People tend to do the latter.
Absolutely do seek therapy but also unless people specifically tell you you’re doing something wrong don’t assume you know exactly how they feel about the things you do. Different people express and react to things differently. I don’t have any magic for you comrade, I wish I did, but I’d bet good money you’re hurting yourself more than anyone else intends
Or do you hyper analyze everything they do and try to plot out exactly how interested they are and then gauge it off a metric you’ve personally developed that may be heavily skewed by your lack of self-esteem? People tend to do the latter.
uh oh
:side-eye-1: :side-eye-2:
Well, fuck.
I’ve found that it helps to remember to value yourself, not to the exclusion of other people, but so you can provide emotional energy for other people in a sustainable way. It also helps prevent others from abusing or otherwise taking advantage of you if you see yourself as being worth protecting too, not just a sacrifice for the sake of other people.
❤️ this sounds like a good place to start, thank you.
Being ND allows you the sensitivity, empathy, & intelligence to see the bigger picture - and which is that humans are a connected species, we yearn for human company. You learn you want to talk to other people, while others might have closed themselves in for the sake of self-preservation. Just go forth and say to the world with a smile - ‘hi, how’s it going?’
