someone here must know
i think my parents caused me to exist just so i take care of them when they are old. they sent love to my direction but they didn’t love me. they loved their insurance plan, themselves (they saw their being in me), what they feel about themselves (through me). i was not allowed to exist peacefully or mind my own business. i was not allowed to have a preference or emotion. i am 10 and 14 years younger than my siblings. they knew my predecessors weren’t gonna be stupid enough. they hate each other. pretty much anything originating from them were negative. this family was a theatre. it takes a certain level of wretchedness to do this. and these people were what i know of humans. so i didn’t like humans.
anyways, at some point, i met many different people in a short amount of time. my opinion of humans improved.
two of them (women) made me feel more alive but i didn’t get close to them physically despite being pulled by them really hard.
then i forced myself to practice being physically close to people (women). it was very difficult.
meanwhile in therapy i realized i avoid intimacy really hard
last two points combined led to some new observations
i think at least one person loved me. i never saw someone looking at me like that before. i think maybe they sensed my background and how i dealt with it. she treated me like i’m her kid and at some point she acted like my kid. i don’t remember a similar experience at such level. she wasn’t sexual like some others. she felt more wholesome
and i feel weird about it. like what the fuck is even love? what do i do with it? do i eat it? keep it? store it? grow it? do i let it exist by itself? i am asking stupid things but it is just kinda weird.
how do i cope with this positive thing?
i am kinda trying to get myself used to this concept so i can stop avoiding intimacy. i am still avoiding, really hard. but if i stop avoiding, i’ll find myself in a relationship probably quickly
i probably don’t know what i don’t know too.
back to what do to with love?.. do i fuck it? i know what to be and how to be i think, but it feels like too much change if i go there. a whole ass human depending on you or giving herself to you in every way is weird. too much responsibility or too much power. idk. it feels like too much of a bond. its like two people are chained to each other kind of thing… and she expects me to control that bond however i want. also its no longer just me. right now i am an independent singular consciousness. i can go anywhere, live anywhere, do whatever. i am actually in top 0.1-0.01% in terms of freedom. but if i let things happen, a woman is gonna be always around me lol. and i will have to make plans for her and deal with stuff. then a family reeeee. people get used to everything so maybe my future family will become boring too?
again, love feels weird. maybe they just love what i might provide to them. maybe there is no such thing as love and it is arrogance or stupidity to expect it to exist
also this might be like a drug. this person can feed me love and take everything in return and i might be ok with it. my brother did that but obviously that’s a different type of love
That’s cute but probably above our pay grade. What you need is therapy
You are not alone. In fact this is pretty common. My wife has similar struggles:
https://www.simplypsychology.org/avoidant-attachment-style.html
As you already said, it’s caused by parents that don’t give you a safe and living emotional environment in early childhood.
and i feel weird about it. like what the fuck is even love? what do i do with it? do i eat it? keep it? store it? grow it? do i let it exist by itself? i am asking stupid things but it is just kinda weird.
The moral to a story that a sociology professor told us was that if you want to keep your warm-fuzzy supply full, you have to give them out as much as possible. I think that applies here once you get past the current hurdles.
I was not able to love myself until 2019. I didn’t think it would ever happen. I used to hate myself. Keep working on it – massive change is possible but it takes time and persistence. I wish you the best.
What a great read! You seem very reflective and aware of yourself. I don’t really have any advice, but it seems you’re on the right track just by knowing yourself and taking steps to wrap your head around it all. Good luck!
If you can afford I would get professional help. This is not something I have experience with personally but I’ve often heard of people not being able to process certain emotions so I would assume its somewhat common. A decent therapist would likely have a good understanding of how to help you navigate this.
If you can’t afford that then talking about on lemmy or elsewhere probably wouldn’t hurt. Even if we can’t offer much advice I figure writing it out like that could probably help you process your feelings on some level
but if i let things happen, a woman is gonna be always around me lol. and i will have to make plans for her and deal with stuff. then a family reeeee.
You don’t have to have kids if you don’t want to. My wife and I are in our 40s and neither of us want kids. Society will try to make it seem like that’s just what normal people do, bit screw that noise. Do what makes you happy.
You care about love. You wrote this post. You mentioned someone who loved you as “wholesome”. You say you want to stop avoiding intimacy.
I’d dare to say you care about love, belonging, kindness, safety, and independence. I may be wrong with some or all of those, and I’m sorry if I misread you or made assumptions. However, feel free to write your own list of things that you care about. We humans care where we hurt and we hurt where we care. Think about your experience with love, intimacy, and relationships. Notice when something that hurts pops up. What would you not have to care about for this not to hurt?
It’s also important to notice that brain is trying to protect you. It’s trying to avoid the pain it has perceived in the past, the pain it (rightly or wrongly) predicts will appear in your future. It’s important to recognize its suggestions, its predictions, its interpretations. In case you don’t already do mindfulness practices in any way, you may consider taking it up. It’s important to be careful with what kind of mindfulness you do, because unfortunately there’s a lot of bad mindfulness out there, misinformation, incorrect takes, etc. Mindfulness as presented in programs like Healthy Minds are science-based and really helpful.
Once again, the reason I’m recommending mindfulness is because when you notice your brain’s advice, it’s easier to choose what kind of person you want to be. Once you know where you’re standing, it’s easier to take steps to where you want to go.
Just to comment on relationships. You mentioned that in a relationship it’s possible or likely that there’s “a whole-ass human depending on you or giving herself to you in every way”. Yes, some people think this is how relationships work, but it’s not the only way. You could read Sue Johnson’s Hold Me Tight to see how relationships can be different. The book might also be helpful to you because it explains how humans try to protect themselves even though they want to be close to each other.
Yes, love can be intoxicating “like a drug”. Seeing love through the lens of drugs suggests that we lose control with love. However, if you’re mindful about how it feels, you can both feel its beautiful sensations and also soberly choose what kind of person you want to be. Mindfulness, connection, and personal fulfillment can all coincide with a romantic relationship. Of course, it’s possible to be mindful, connected, and fulfilled without a romantic relationship, but it seems like you think the path towards a healthy romantic relationship is something you predict could make your life meaningful. You’re not alone; plenty of humans seek love in that way.
Others have suggested getting professional help. If so, you could consider looking for an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy therapist or a Coherence Therapy therapist.
To readers of this text who have seen my responses to other people, you may think that I see every situation as a nail that I hammer with my EFT, mindfulness, and ACT hammers. On the one hand, I ask whether you truly believe these situations would not benefit from those approaches. After all, they are evidence-based, trans-diagnostic, and have helped millions of people. On the other hand, it’s not necessary to follow the resources that I suggest; it’s possible to gain connection, awareness, and psychological flexibility in many ways. It’s a matter of finding what works for you.
I hope this helps.
Logic and love don’t really mix well, life is a bit fuller when you embrace love and let yourself feel vulnerable even if you know it will end in tragedy
There’s only so many tragedy a person can handle before their quality of life taking a dip. If possible, better to find some kind of therapeutic care, preferably from a trained professional.
I recommend the book All About Love to OP. I think they’ll see a lot of themselves in it.
I know how you feel as I experienced some similarities with up bringing. Do you know of the disorganized attachment type or mother wounds? Emotional neglect during your first few years of life, even if basic needs are being met, can lead to what you describe. I’ve made progress myself, as has my wife, but it is difficult.