February 14th 2025,

Today wasn’t a great one for me. So both my classes were cancelled, which is fine honestly. I still had work placement. I just spent my typical class time making sure my presentation for my work class was solid.

The presentation had to be preliminary research (background research) on our chosen topic. i wish I could be more specific but I will give a taste of what mine is about: in the early 1900s there was a group of communists that were voted into prominence, which was a first for Canada. They were ELECTED by the people, and brought in tax reforms and did some symbolic stuff like renaming streets. I never knew this happened so i wanted to do my project on it and erect a “monument” dedicated to it. My job isn’t to place actual monuments, but something similar, informational and historical placements if that makes sense. One day I hope to be more specific but right now I still have to be vague. You all understand.

Eventually it was time for me to leave for my job, which was only a small train ride away thankfully. I got there early and waited. We were then gathered into the meeting room to do our presentations. We could’ve made a slide show but it was not required nor expected. Thankfully no one did a slide show. I say “thankfully” as I did not want to be the odd one out. Unfortunately, I still ended up being that. Here’s how:

My other colleagues went first and while they all had different topics they were all similar in the fact that they had very specific buildings that they wanted to do a monument for. As they went on with their amazing research (seriously I was impressed and happy for them since they were so passionate) I got a horrible sinking feeling that I did my research wrong. They had very specific topics while mine was a little more vague, it was specific in that it was about a government body, but not specific enough to have a set in stone location. So when it got to me I panicked immediately.

First I asked if every other person had taken the Public History course at our university, they said yes. So I admitted that I had not but my supervisor said that it was fine. This did not convince me. I brought out my preliminary research notes and when I tried to speak the tears came and I couldn’t stop it. Usually when I do presentations I do have a wobbly voice, but I have never cried before. This time was different. The tears rushed out and I said I didn’t know why I was freaking out (even though I did) and the girl beside me tried comforting me saying “its okay, public speaking is really hard.” She was super sweet about it and in my heart I was thankful that they didn’t judge me but it was so bad.

The first half of my presentation was filled with tears and constant pauses as I had to wipe my tears, they blocked my vision. I was curled in on myself and was so ashamed at not only how embarrassing this was, but that I misunderstood the assignment. As I got through it I did stop crying and sat up straighter, especially because everyone was engaging with what I was saying, my supervisor also was nodding along and giving what I assumed were cues to keep going. In the end I was okay and we all did well.

When we exited the meeting room I did apologize to my supervisor for crying, and he of course said it was fine and that he knows this is hard. I admitted to him that I was like that because I thought I did everything wrong because the others had specific projects while mine was not. But he said that I did it right and that I was going to be fine. I think so too. Now I just have to spend my time trying to find a location related to my elected officials. The unfortunate thing as well is that my topic is in a completely different city/town from my own, my colleagues have the ability to physically go to theirs but I just don’t.

Anyway, I ended up walking out with another colleague and he complimented my presentation and the amount of research I did. I also complimented him back as I thought his was great too. It was nice.

I just hope that my supervisor doesn’t tell my professor about me crying as I might get penalized for this. I worry because the last tie I had a meeting with said professor, the one where I gave him my report, he graded me a 70. WHAT?! He said my report was great but still graded me so low??? It was probably due to my supervisor saying I seemed unprepared, but my professor even stated he knew I wasn’t unprepared I was just “reticent.” I am truly pissed that he graded me so low it is what it is I guess.

Now it’s reading week and I am trying to figure out how to manage my time to get work done while also relaxing.