February 14th 2025,
Today wasn’t a great one for me. So both my classes were cancelled, which is fine honestly. I still had work placement. I just spent my typical class time making sure my presentation for my work class was solid.
The presentation had to be preliminary research (background research) on our chosen topic. i wish I could be more specific but I will give a taste of what mine is about: in the early 1900s there was a group of communists that were voted into prominence, which was a first for Canada. They were ELECTED by the people, and brought in tax reforms and did some symbolic stuff like renaming streets. I never knew this happened so i wanted to do my project on it and erect a “monument” dedicated to it. My job isn’t to place actual monuments, but something similar, informational and historical placements if that makes sense. One day I hope to be more specific but right now I still have to be vague. You all understand.
Eventually it was time for me to leave for my job, which was only a small train ride away thankfully. I got there early and waited. We were then gathered into the meeting room to do our presentations. We could’ve made a slide show but it was not required nor expected. Thankfully no one did a slide show. I say “thankfully” as I did not want to be the odd one out. Unfortunately, I still ended up being that. Here’s how:
My other colleagues went first and while they all had different topics they were all similar in the fact that they had very specific buildings that they wanted to do a monument for. As they went on with their amazing research (seriously I was impressed and happy for them since they were so passionate) I got a horrible sinking feeling that I did my research wrong. They had very specific topics while mine was a little more vague, it was specific in that it was about a government body, but not specific enough to have a set in stone location. So when it got to me I panicked immediately.
First I asked if every other person had taken the Public History course at our university, they said yes. So I admitted that I had not but my supervisor said that it was fine. This did not convince me. I brought out my preliminary research notes and when I tried to speak the tears came and I couldn’t stop it. Usually when I do presentations I do have a wobbly voice, but I have never cried before. This time was different. The tears rushed out and I said I didn’t know why I was freaking out (even though I did) and the girl beside me tried comforting me saying “its okay, public speaking is really hard.” She was super sweet about it and in my heart I was thankful that they didn’t judge me but it was so bad.
The first half of my presentation was filled with tears and constant pauses as I had to wipe my tears, they blocked my vision. I was curled in on myself and was so ashamed at not only how embarrassing this was, but that I misunderstood the assignment. As I got through it I did stop crying and sat up straighter, especially because everyone was engaging with what I was saying, my supervisor also was nodding along and giving what I assumed were cues to keep going. In the end I was okay and we all did well.
When we exited the meeting room I did apologize to my supervisor for crying, and he of course said it was fine and that he knows this is hard. I admitted to him that I was like that because I thought I did everything wrong because the others had specific projects while mine was not. But he said that I did it right and that I was going to be fine. I think so too. Now I just have to spend my time trying to find a location related to my elected officials. The unfortunate thing as well is that my topic is in a completely different city/town from my own, my colleagues have the ability to physically go to theirs but I just don’t.
Anyway, I ended up walking out with another colleague and he complimented my presentation and the amount of research I did. I also complimented him back as I thought his was great too. It was nice.
I just hope that my supervisor doesn’t tell my professor about me crying as I might get penalized for this. I worry because the last tie I had a meeting with said professor, the one where I gave him my report, he graded me a 70. WHAT?! He said my report was great but still graded me so low??? It was probably due to my supervisor saying I seemed unprepared, but my professor even stated he knew I wasn’t unprepared I was just “reticent.” I am truly pissed that he graded me so low it is what it is I guess.
Now it’s reading week and I am trying to figure out how to manage my time to get work done while also relaxing.
The only time that I would have any urge at all to laugh at somebody crying is if he is a terrible person, which you certainly aren’t. Had I been in that room watching you it is likely that I simply would have been confused.
It kind of reminds me of a scene in Saving Private Ryan where one of the soldiers on an Allied vessel regurgitates on the floor next to his colleagues, which confused me until somebody explained to me that it was sheerly from knowing that he was likely about to die; anxiety. That was when I first learned that anxiety could cause emesis. (And yes, I am well aware that giving a classroom presentation is a little bit different from storming Omaha Beach.)
Yeah, anxiety is a strange thing. I wasn’t in a life and death situation like that movie but for some reason my body reacted as if I was. If anything it’s because I thought my grade was at stake and that my project was done wrong since everyone else had very specific topics (actual buildings with an address) while mine wasn’t. I brought it back in the latter half but I am still worried my tears will bite me in the ass during the next report (my professor graded me a 70 for the first one due to my cagey-ness and that sucks).