I find nuclear related stuff to be fascinating. The promise of nearly infinite energy, possibly the ability to synthesize any material, substance or particle in the distant future.

I have a cocktail of mental disorders, namely BPD, Bipolar 2, OCD, impulse control disorder, I’m on the autistic spectrum as well.

I know what it’s like to have “mood swings” or intense moments, as I call them.

I relate alot to you.

Ever since I was a little kid, while I always liked happy, sunshine and rainbows type of explanations and actions, and I liked the belief that everything mostly works out in the long run, what interested me the most was science and reasoning.

I feel that science is the most important tool of humanity, and that the “darkness” and “coldness” of science can shine a light on the atrocities, flaws, and toxic optimism of reality, that most people gloss over or don’t think too hard about.

I’m not trying to brag about this, since I think it probably is a serious problem, but I don’t like to feel happy or content or satisfied.

I’m not sure if you can relate, but it sounds like you might.

I’ve always thought that happiness and optimism are very vague, immaterial, very fleeting, temporary and dangerous feelings.

I feel if I allow myself to be happy or content, then I will slack off, grow complacent, make mistakes or forget something, and someone could end up getting hurt or something could go wrong.

I’m never content to rest on my laurels, and I hate the idea of relaxing or pushing problems or future concerns to the side, even when I should breathe and take inventory, I’m always pushing to the next challenge, in a practically pathological manner. I have a very high standard for myself, and even though I’m only human, I almost never purposefully allow myself to just sit and relax and enjoy things.

Sorry if I rambled.

I figure someone always has to worry or think ahead, and since I can only barely trust myself, and not anyone else, that person should be me.