I had a 1990 Oldsmobile Regency. Google it for the full understanding of just how hoopty this hoopty was. I had it in ≈2012-15
An automatic, the gears were fucked, you drove in neutral, neutral was reverse, and park was reverse. There was no park. You put it in neutral and put on the e brake.
To crank it did not require a key. You just turned the little plastic nubs on the ignition.
The doors did not open from the inside, you had to reach out the window to open them from the outside. It also did not lock correctly, so it could always be opened from outside. Occasionally the driver’s door would stick shut and could not be opened, so you had to scooch to the passengers door, or climb out through the window.
If you turned on the windshield wipers the radio turned on or off, depending on if you had it on or off when you turned on the wipers.
If you turned on the headlights the wipers came on. Period. Which then fucked with the radio. I used to have to physically take the wipers off and raise the little metal bars if it wasn’t raining, so that they didn’t screech on dry glass.
It had no muffler, and was so fucking loud
It had no blinkers or tail lights, so I bought a set of trailer lights and stuck them on the trunk. Wired toggle switches. If you wanna turn on left blinker, rapidly switch the toggle for the left blinker.
In short. Hot fucking mess.
Stories:
We drove this car from Tennessee to Florida when helping someone move. He put us up at Fontainebleau in Miami. We drove this hoopty in, and had it valet parked. The look on their faces was absolutely fucking priceless. They thought we were the clampetts.
But the best story is when my brother and I were at a campground. For reasons I won’t go into, we were staying at a campground with our dogs. No one could know we were there. My brother has IBS. He and I went to bed in our tents, and at some point he got up to drive to the bathroom/shower room things. He gets in the car and goes to crank it and it won’t crank. His stomach is upset and he decides he just has the walk the half mile. But oh no! The windows are up, the car won’t crank, and he can’t open the doors!
He repeatedly called my name and phone, and I just slept through it. He sat in the car for nearly 5 hours while he watched a family of raccoons eat all of our food. Including each individual egg from the carton. He had video of it for years. The only person who could know where we were was our mom, and he called her repeatedly, leaving the saddest voicemails that she kept for years.
“Mama… Please help me… I’m locked in the car… The raccoons are eating our food… I have to go to the bathroom… Please help… Mama… Please help”
When my parents finally got there, he told them not to wake me up. He went to the bathroom, and then when he got back he crawled into my tent, put his mouth by my ear and screamed my name as loud as humanly possible. Scared the hell out of me. He then made me watch the raccoon videos while he berated me for sleeping through it.
I had a 1980 year Oldsmobile 98 that didn’t have as many crazy issues as yours but did have one amazing one.
Driving home one evening from college classes the headlights didn’t work so I took it into the shop.
Couldn’t find anything normal as a cause but I had one of those old time small town mechanics that couldn’t stand to lose to the car. So he said he wouldn’t charge us for the extra work hours if he could keep it as a project until he was done. Took over three weeks of him going through the wiring and finally found a harness/wire that had worn through and was grounding to the car frame.
So far nothing too weird for an old car. The bizarre part is that he had good current equipment and it is supposed to test if a wire is grounded out like that to the frame or even if it is broken by kicking signals along it like you can to find damage to Ethernet cables.
So with that tester in hand and knowing without question what the problem was he hooked it back up and it still reported nothing wrong. He called the manufacturer and they said as far as they know that violates the laws of electricity… Worked fine with the new wires so again definitely correct and his tool worked on everything else he ever tried it on.
This is great. It reminds me of the Olds my dad had that had intermittent power steering, like you’d be turning into a parking spot at the mall (this actually happened to me) and the power steering would stop working, suddenly making the wheel much harder to turn. All kinds of random fun.
Cutlass Ciera diesel. If you got behind someone doing 50 mph on the highway, you were basically stuck there, because it would take forever to pass them.
My buddy had one of those things when we were in highschool, and his had all sorts of electrical gremlins and funky nuances. But I’ll tell you what, most comfy car to hotbox ever. And with the size of that trunk, we could easily cruise around with 10 people. Best party-mobile ever.
![[LastPlaceComics] Hand Em Over](https://lemmy.world/pictrs/image/e5c2a293-ffa1-4a01-80bb-7b57b78c4999.jpeg){kind=link}
Y’all wanna talk hoopties? Let’s talk hoopties.
Two great stories below all the issues.
I had a 1990 Oldsmobile Regency. Google it for the full understanding of just how hoopty this hoopty was. I had it in ≈2012-15
An automatic, the gears were fucked, you drove in neutral, neutral was reverse, and park was reverse. There was no park. You put it in neutral and put on the e brake.
To crank it did not require a key. You just turned the little plastic nubs on the ignition.
The doors did not open from the inside, you had to reach out the window to open them from the outside. It also did not lock correctly, so it could always be opened from outside. Occasionally the driver’s door would stick shut and could not be opened, so you had to scooch to the passengers door, or climb out through the window.
If you turned on the windshield wipers the radio turned on or off, depending on if you had it on or off when you turned on the wipers.
If you turned on the headlights the wipers came on. Period. Which then fucked with the radio. I used to have to physically take the wipers off and raise the little metal bars if it wasn’t raining, so that they didn’t screech on dry glass.
It had no muffler, and was so fucking loud
It had no blinkers or tail lights, so I bought a set of trailer lights and stuck them on the trunk. Wired toggle switches. If you wanna turn on left blinker, rapidly switch the toggle for the left blinker.
In short. Hot fucking mess.
Stories:
We drove this car from Tennessee to Florida when helping someone move. He put us up at Fontainebleau in Miami. We drove this hoopty in, and had it valet parked. The look on their faces was absolutely fucking priceless. They thought we were the clampetts.
But the best story is when my brother and I were at a campground. For reasons I won’t go into, we were staying at a campground with our dogs. No one could know we were there. My brother has IBS. He and I went to bed in our tents, and at some point he got up to drive to the bathroom/shower room things. He gets in the car and goes to crank it and it won’t crank. His stomach is upset and he decides he just has the walk the half mile. But oh no! The windows are up, the car won’t crank, and he can’t open the doors!
He repeatedly called my name and phone, and I just slept through it. He sat in the car for nearly 5 hours while he watched a family of raccoons eat all of our food. Including each individual egg from the carton. He had video of it for years. The only person who could know where we were was our mom, and he called her repeatedly, leaving the saddest voicemails that she kept for years.
“Mama… Please help me… I’m locked in the car… The raccoons are eating our food… I have to go to the bathroom… Please help… Mama… Please help”
When my parents finally got there, he told them not to wake me up. He went to the bathroom, and then when he got back he crawled into my tent, put his mouth by my ear and screamed my name as loud as humanly possible. Scared the hell out of me. He then made me watch the raccoon videos while he berated me for sleeping through it.
This is going to be lemmy history. Omg that was so funny
Haha. That’s amazing. It’s one of my favorite stories. My family collect outlandish stories by way of poverty. Lmao
This is why I love lemmy.
I had a 1980 year Oldsmobile 98 that didn’t have as many crazy issues as yours but did have one amazing one.
Driving home one evening from college classes the headlights didn’t work so I took it into the shop.
Couldn’t find anything normal as a cause but I had one of those old time small town mechanics that couldn’t stand to lose to the car. So he said he wouldn’t charge us for the extra work hours if he could keep it as a project until he was done. Took over three weeks of him going through the wiring and finally found a harness/wire that had worn through and was grounding to the car frame.
So far nothing too weird for an old car. The bizarre part is that he had good current equipment and it is supposed to test if a wire is grounded out like that to the frame or even if it is broken by kicking signals along it like you can to find damage to Ethernet cables.
So with that tester in hand and knowing without question what the problem was he hooked it back up and it still reported nothing wrong. He called the manufacturer and they said as far as they know that violates the laws of electricity… Worked fine with the new wires so again definitely correct and his tool worked on everything else he ever tried it on.
Oldsmobiles are magic. Sometimes vile, evil magic lmao
Thank god he didn’t shit in the car.
I really thought that story was gonna go differently.
Fantastic story, thanks so much for sharing
This is great. It reminds me of the Olds my dad had that had intermittent power steering, like you’d be turning into a parking spot at the mall (this actually happened to me) and the power steering would stop working, suddenly making the wheel much harder to turn. All kinds of random fun.
Cutlass Ciera diesel. If you got behind someone doing 50 mph on the highway, you were basically stuck there, because it would take forever to pass them.
Yikes! That sounds frickin awful
You have been tagged “Oldsmobile Raccoon Guy”.
See you around!
Ha! I love it.
I feel so sorry for your bro
I texted him the clip of Peter Griffin locked in his car today, with the caption “Just a reminder that this is literally you”
He then called me just to say “fuck you very much” and hang up. Lmao
At first I thought you were describing the Shit Mobile from Trailer Park Boys (Ricky’s '75 New Yorker) but then it just got better and better.
fantastic comment. really nicely written and super entertaining! thanks for sharing
My buddy had one of those things when we were in highschool, and his had all sorts of electrical gremlins and funky nuances. But I’ll tell you what, most comfy car to hotbox ever. And with the size of that trunk, we could easily cruise around with 10 people. Best party-mobile ever.