“Nearly every social event I have attended with [communists] has inevitably had some conversation about linux, furry culture, obscure leftist history, tabletop games, or other equally nerdy subjects”
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As a reminder, please do not discuss current struggle sessions in the mega. We want this to be a little oasis for all of us and the best way to do that is not to feed into existing conflict on the site.
Also, be sure to properly give content warnings and put sensitive subjects behind proper spoiler tags. It’s for the mental health of not just your comrades, but yourself as well.
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CW: Severe dysphoria and depression, discussion of self-harm, relationship and familial issues
I can’t be around here right now. Everything is setting of severe dysphoria and depression. I’ve had to completely disconnect from any talk about gender, sex, or relationships as it torpedoes my mental state immediately. I’ve even been avoiding my friends and “family.” Family being my mother and sister, who are now on the verge of being tossed out of my fucking life. It’s like everyone lacks empathy. No one understands the sheer immensity of the pain and suffering I’m going through right now. “Just cheer up. Smile and you’ll be fine. That’s no reason to be so upset.” Thanks mom. Go fuck yourself. You’ve not exactly been the most helpful during my transition these last few years. The shadow of my ex continues to hang over me and I’ve destroyed some things in my house that remind me of him. I’ve been extremely not well if that’s not clear. I even skipped out on making the topic this week cause I just can’t. I’m glad I value my life so highly otherwise I might not be here right now. It’s crossed my mind on more than one occasion recently, too. Even my therapist isn’t fucking helping me. Ugh.
I just wish I was born a woman. I feel like a horrible facsimile. Like someone was given a doll and parts and told to do their best. This vagina. These breasts. They all feel horrendously fake. I feel like someone took a hobby knife to a Ken doll and just did what they could. I can’t stand it. I just want to feel me. I wish I could’ve grown up properly. I wish I could have a uterus. I wish I could have children to raise and watch grow up and give a good life to. I wish I could’ve had all those experiences in life that cis-women just take for granted. I can’t take this. I just can’t.
I know almost none of you really know me or care about me and I apologize for shitting up the mega. All of you are so happy with what you’re going through that you don’t deserve to see the absolute trainwreck that is my life right now. I’m sorry, but with no one to properly just vent to, I resort to coming here. Legitimately if you don’t like it and don’t care to see this, I will stop. Just tell me in reply or PM. Seriously.
When I transitioned 5 years ago, I was of course ecstatic about it because I was gatekept for so long. But after the euphoria waned off, I was completely smacked in the face by the realities of trans life, especially when it came to my self-image.
What helped me most during this time was discovering a certain trans streamer that I immediately fell in love with. She always has these deep meaningful monologues about all kind of topics, but very often it was about her own transition and the struggles she faces, which are very similar to my own. And so listening to her for hours and hours gave me insight into things that I never considered before and it really helped me improve my self-image.
But what it really gave me was the feeling that I wasn’t alone in this world. That there are others who go through the exact same issues as I do, fighting for a place in this hostile world. And reading your vents, that are supposedly oh so inapropriate, gives me the same feeling. The feeling that I’m not alone.
So thank you and everyone else who is a part of this community for making my life more bearable. Don’t stop posting!
i dunno if this’ll be helpful, and maybe it’s weird or dumb idk, but i’m glad you’re here. we had like a quarter of a conversation about painting thousand sons, and maybe it’s silly but that brought me joy. you’ve made me happy to be here.
i don’t think you’re shitting up anything.
I’m sorry fellow internet stranger. I feel a lot of the same things a lot of the time too. It’s also hard for me to find appropriate places and people to vent about it to, and I’ve been similarly frustrated with therapists. I hope you’re okay with me adding just a little shared misery, feel free to ignore it if you can’t handle hearing about someone else’s struggle with dysphoria right now. My intention is to give some comfort through company, not to make you feel even worse or more hopeless. Whether or not you read it, I want you to know you’re not alone.
More Discussion of Dysphoria, self-harming behaviors, internalized transphobia
Have you ever self-harmed by obsessing over gender theory, or trying to find the perfect argument to destroy any transphobic/TERF ideology from its foundations? I tend to do that when I’m feeling particularly bad and it never really helps. Sometimes in turns into this horrible spiral where I’m trying to like, argue myself out of my dysphoria. Like, oh, I’m only dysphoric because of bullshit patriarchal cishet standards and conceptions of “natural” sex and “real” gender anyway, so if I read something water-tight convincing enough that undercuts those ideas, I can somehow talk myself out of it, make it go away. But it always makes it worse, because in doing so I only end up focusing more acutely on where the pain is coming from, and inevitably I end up reading pages of explicit transphobia, ostensibly to find all of its flaws and pick it apart and make it feel less true, but I’m reading it anyway and it ends up sinking in and making me feel like complete shit, sometimes for days or weeks.
That is to say, I really relate to feeling like an imposter in my own skin. That I’m somehow less “real” than what I am. That there is an ontological gap that cannot ever be completely filled.
But sometimes, I feel a real sense of pride in these same things. I have my friends and my partner and the occasional queer acquaintance who I feel truly do see me for more than what I see in myself, who make that realness tangible in ways that it doesn’t anywhere else. Sometimes I’ll find a particular piece of art or writing that I really do think just gets it and I’ll feel seen in a way that doesn’t feel like being exposed, but embraced.
And sometimes, very rarely, I’ll manage to see that in myself, if only for a moment. And in those fleeting seconds, it all feels worth it.
sorry to anyone who feels this is an inappropriate use of this space. i understand there’s sort of a taboo around venting and using shared spaces as therapy sessions because, well, i’m sure we all know where endless, normalized pessimism can lead. we’ve all heard of 4chan. i’m very much not trying to cause a chain reaction and I promise not to make this kind of posting a habit. I just, idk, something about this specific comment really struck a chord with me, so I really wanted to reach out and share my own experiences with the same sorts of feelings. I hope this is ok.
if anyone feels like they want to talk about any of this, ask me questions about it, or just feels like shooting the shit with someone who might be in a similar situation, my DMs are open
all love to all my trans comrades. thanks
spoiler
The cis really don’t understand, and I’m sorry. Its hard not having people who understand. I understand wishing I was born cis. I’m really glad you are still here.
I don’t know you, but I do care about you and read all your posts. You aren’t 'shitting up the mega". I genuinely like seeing when other people vent post. It makes me feel less alone in my struggles and feelings. I wish I knew what to say, or how to help, but I don’t. I am just as lost as you are. And usually too depressed to say anything of substance to your posts.
This has been the most stressful experience of my life and I have very little hope in the medium to long term.