Bryan Johnson, 45, is shocking his, uhm, Johnson in hopes of never dying? Did I get that right?

Bryan Johnson, 45, is shocking his, uhm, Johnson in hopes of never dying? Did I get that right?

Bryan Johnson, the 45-year-old man whose pursuit of eternal youth has driven him to swap blood with his 17-year-old son, is directing his attention below the belt. His belt, to be specific. Tomorrow he will start getting Alprostadil injected into his penis as a part of his “penis rejuvenation” journey. That’s right: Johnson is trying to rejuvenate his Johnson. Godspeed, I suppose.

According to the Mayo Clinic, Alprostadil is used to treat erectile dysfunction, Johnson says he’s using it to increase “ejaculation vol[ume]” and “max urination speed” as well. I’m sorry to have to inform you that this man is also getting his “penis plaque” checked, which is apparently scar tissue or something that could slow down the speed of things coming out of his dick. I suppose it makes sense that a man so occupied with the passage of time is concerned with urinating as quickly as possible. He’s got to get back to taking 61 pills a day and eating 70 pounds of vegetables a month. Looking that spooky is a full-time job!

Johnson shared his goal on Instagram to increase the length and hardness of his nighttime erections from 2 hours and 12 minutes to 3 hours and 30 minutes, the latter of which is the average noctural erection time of an 18-year-old. Also, for full transparency, I’m just taking Johnson’s word for that. I don’t quite have it in me to Google “18-year-old nocturnal erections” on my work (or personal) laptop.

Johnson’s penile rejuvenation therapy also involves sending shockwaves into his genitals. Medical professionals explained to Rolling Stone that these electro shockwaves “rejuvenate” the penis, similar to how weightlifting causes small tears in bodily tissue that then cause the body to regenerate new tissue.

Is this more information than you want to know about a man who looks like the spiritual lovechild of the Morpheus and Legolas? I apologize. It’s more than I want to know, too. But unfortunately I am sadistically fascinated with this rich man who’s desperately trying to avoid the natural aging process by injecting himself with supplements and literally shocking his penis.

I suppose it makes sense that Johnson has refocused his youthful obsession onto his own genitals, as that seems to be at the center of a lot of men’s passions.

          • UlyssesT [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
            5·
            1 year ago

            If I recall correctly, it was “there is nothing objectively wrong with doing this; you’re seeing a moral issue that isn’t there. This is scientific inquiry that can benefit everyone.”

            Narrator: “It won’t. It’s the rich doing creepy vampire shit and even if it works and somehow stops requiring literal blood boys, it will be paywalled hard. Insulin, for example, costs pennies to make and has thousands of percent markup to the consumer.”

            • VILenin [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
              4·
              1 year ago

              “Materialism means morality is fake, Marx proved this.”

              Hexbear users become philosophically literate challenge (impossible)

                • VILenin [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
                  5·
                  1 year ago

                  Dumbest hexbear take I’ve seen yet is “consciousness not real because Marx”

                  Everyone knows historical materialism is the exact same thing as physicalism, amirite fellow Redditors?

                  It’s not just that, it’s the smug “I’m right and everyone who disagrees with me is a moron and ableist slur. I know this has been an unresolved issue for millennia, but I figured it out because my parents said I’m a smart boy. Philosophers are so dumb because they don’t automatically concede to my objectively correct opinion”

      • bidenicecream@hexbear.netEnglish
        2·
        1 year ago

        Actually, it was me that he had beef with, although upon further clarification we really didn’t disagree that much. Here’s the link for context: https://hexbear.net/comment/3584839. Others had well thought out and nuanced takes (https://hexbear.net/comment/3584973). One person, on the other hand, thought that growing old was “beautiful” basically and got pushback on how aging is super painful and to visit a nursing home to see the reality (https://hexbear.net/comment/3586249)

  • Edgarallenpwn@midwest.socialEnglish
    6·
    1 year ago

    Fun Fact: the writer for the Legend of Zelda cartoon sections of the Super Mario Bros Super Show Patented something like this before. Not sure if it’s the same thing, but it sounds oddly similar.

  • bidenicecream@hexbear.netEnglish
    3·
    1 year ago

    People are too quick to react to this so I’ll just leave part of a comment I made from a thread a while back:

    Tbh there’s a lot of cope in the comments here. Like getting older isn’t just about looking older. It’s also not being able to recover from injuries and being at higher risk of things like cancer, etc. because your cells become less efficient at killing damaged cells and regenerating healthy ones. Try being 16 and tearing a tendon vs being 40 and doing it. It’s honestly not fair, and tbh youth is kind of “wasted on the young.”

    And this problem affects societies as well. Every developed nation has an aging population and the child birth rates are declining as well. I’d rather extend my youthful time on this planet than be in constant pain due to aging. If people are delaying childbirth, then having healthier parents at an older age is also nice, especially if you want to play with an active kid. And yes I know “diet, exercise, sleep” is important but tbh it sounds like a capitalist saying “you just need to buckle down and find a job.” Like I fucking know that stuff is important but it’s not gonna fix everything.

    If anti-aging research was being done in Cuba or China the comments would unironically be “damn gimme some of that youth energy Xi!!!” All the angry sentiments in the comments here come off as libertarian-bro contrarianism (for contrarianism sake).

    EDIT: Just to be clear, I do not support or condone exploiting young people as blood bags. I was talking about anti-aging research in general. I thought we just had a big thread about how people need to stop taking the worst possible interpretation of comments here. Jesus…

    https://hexbear.net/comment/3584839

    As for the article itself, it’s just full of snark and honestly super off-putting. If he gains some insight into re-vitalizing his penile function, then that could go a long way to helping millions of men who suffer with these kinds of problems. It could also potentially translate into helping women who have sexual problems as they age as well. After federation the light-speed insta-takes seem to have increased exponentially smh…