This might sound harsh but honestly atleast my life is really underwhelming, no matter what I try.
I have a wife, 2 dogs, an own house but a decently large debt for the house so I actually dont own it yet and a job I love (nightshift nurse)
It feels like I fckd everything up.
10 years ago my wife and I were in South East Asia, traveling,… now? I have to take care of the house, pay my credit, work
Its not the same going to Thailand only 2 weeks a year. I know many ppl cant afford it but I need that escape.
While my life isnt actually bad it just is bland though. I dont do anything other than play Video games, take care of house and dogs, watch movies, cook stuff…
But where is the excitement?
I quit going to gym, I think I should do that but I catch myself esther staring at the wall than searching for a nearby gym.
As a night nurse I have so much time in the day I would like to barista at a cafe but Im too scared to start that.
I would like to play Board games but my friends rather drink alcohol in Clubs and the next DND or Boardgame groups are 40 minutes by car.
See hpw confused I am I cant even structure this post properly.
I know money isn everything but Id travel the world, give my house away to rent, buy a new smaller house in a few years, do more sport, … somehow it feels life is behind a huge paywall and I have enough to have a decent life.
If I go to Thailand next year I have thoughts in my head like: “This money could be used to pay credit debt instead, or yard stuff, kitchen supply,…” With money I could enjoy it more
Don’t know your age but I think this is what mid life crisis is: people chasing excitement.
When you’re young and experiencing everything for the first time it’s exciting. Then it becomes routine and normal. The problem is when people keep chasing that excitement high forever. I think the solution to that is that you have to take joy in the little things in life.
I can also confirm, after having a job with an international organization where I moved to a new country every year or two for more than a decade, that this also becomes routine. The novelty associated with exploring loses its luster and it grows exhausting to have to make new friends, find new trusted services, and adapt to a new biome for yourself and your partner.
Additionally, if you just move to another country, you might like it more there for various reasons (I’ve lived in Thailand also, and it’s a pretty nice country), but eventually it just becomes the place you live and work and take care of your house and dogs. And there are drawbacks of living anywhere.
So I agree. I think OP is facing is an existential meaninglessness that will catch up to them no matter how far they run or how much of their life they burn down. Things like mindfulness, community, creative expression, humor, compassion, service, gratitude, hobbies, rituals, family, journaling, traditions and therapy might be able to help.
Im 31… dont think Im having a mlc yet?
Man I bought christmas decoration foe 80 euros and was excited to put it up yesterday, I dont think it can get smaller than that
You’re having a midlife crisis. Life sucks, your teenage years were a free trial, but you’ve been playing the game and realized it’s a big old turd sandwich structured to get less fun as time passes.
We all realize it at some point, some people earlier than others. Ultimately, you realize you can either have kids and get a distraction from the recent revelation or, you can suck it up, not have kids and realize it might not going to get much better and try dealing with the debt.
Wait until you hit your 40’s and you start seeing weight gain, joint pains and hairloss. And if you’re really lucky… erectile issues. Some of us see our crisis in our teens, just be happy you were able to stay oblivious as long as you were.
That said, I’m still chugging along knowing all this and I’ve learned it’s far easier to act happy, than be happy. So act happy, hell you might end up believing it.
I’m gonna have to strongly disagree… I have all those health issues, and they keep getting worse, I can’t remember the last time I had sex, I’ve got a massive shiny forehead where hair used to be, and so on. But actually, I am better off today than I was in my 30s and 40s and this is basically due to one reason: I’ve stopped putting pressure on myself on fulfilling the life that I thought I needed to have. I’ve spent so much time trying to do the "right thing“, especially as a father, but it turned out that all my worries and all the effort I’ve put into doing the right thing were unhealthy for me and life had its own plans anyway.
I realized that the world doesn’t really care about what I do and that lead to the realization that I can do whatever the fuck I want. So now, the pressure is relieved and I’m trying to focus on things I enjoy doing instead of chasing some life plan. I still have depressive phases, but not caring so much about things that I deemed super important a few years ago has made things much easier. Also I found that people have no power over you if you let them know you don’t care. You don’t need to pretend to be happy to anyone. You can choose just not to play their game of toxic positivity and enjoy being your own grumpy old self. I definitely do.
Keep in mind, the popularization of the concept of a mid life crisis was a tiny piece of a man’s career that he thought was useless and unexciting. Sound familiar?
I’m older than you, and been through similar, and my life radically changed later (for the better now, I’m lucky), so things are different for me, but, my advice from me back then:
Excitement != Change
You need something new in your life. Your wife probably does to. If you feel like you’re in the right life situation, with her and yourself, do your best to throw yourself into something. Figuring that something out? Really hard.
For me/us, ripping the seats out of a minivan and building a folding bed, running water, etc, and using it to travel around to local trailheads or breweries and camp in random locations many weekends was just the thing. Even the experience of traveling to get a good deal on the van was new and fun.
Excitement doesn’t always come looking for you, but it’s still out there.
I’ve recently seen some statistics about perceived happiness by age distribution. Turns out, it’s sort of an inverted bell curve. People in your age group are feeling significantly worse off because the more positive youth experiences are still quite fresh while you’re not ready yet to adequately deal with the downsides of adulthood. This is a kind of midlife crisis. The good news is: It will get better, statistically.
And a more personal note from someone suffering from intermediate depressed states: It might not really help you right now, but there is a soothing realization in that most of the burden you are feeling right now is only in your head. A different state of mind is possible, but you’ll have to work on it. The big foggy cloud surrounding your head is not THE reality but your current perception of reality and that can be changed. Sometimes it helps to just get a different perspective, and you’ll get to that if you try new things that look even mildly interesting. Get out of your so-called comfort zone (which isn’t that comfortable anyway as you know by now) and do little things every day that you haven’t done before. Even if the specific things you are trying out might turn out to be a failure, you’ll discover other interesting things along the way. A word of warning… Don’t let anyone guilt trip you, if you try new things. Your environment usually doesn’t want you to change and that can be a problem, because if you change yourself your environment has to deal with that change too. So make sure you find people who support you as a human being, instead of just supporting your role as a good parent, employee or debtor. Also check for yourself if all the things you feel obligated to do have to be done in the exact way you are doing them right now. Maybe there are some adjustments to be made to gain more personal freedom, to get regular breaks from the chore in your daily life.
Good Luck!
I don’t think you need to be in the middle of a mid life crisis for what I said to be true. Things that used to be exciting become routine and boring. The crisis in my mind is when someone keeps needing that high, keeps chasing that high. They keep buying new things, new car every 2 years, fancy trips, etc instead of appreciating the small things in life.