Folks, this is it.
After more than six months on Wellbutrin, being the unfocused mess I’ve always been, and being treated like a criminal and/or child by the most condescending, inconsiderate psychiatrist I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing, I decided to say fuck it and find another professional.
For six months, I’ve been made to wait by my health insurance provider for an ADHD test that never came. I’m on a mysterious waiting list that moves forward at a pace that is known only to the Nether Gods and in all likelihood I’ll never get to do this test anyways. All of this because apparently a psychiatrist does not have the authority to say “hey, I think you have ADHD, let’s try a first-line treatment and see if it works for you.” Silly me, thinking a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose a psychiatric disorder.
Well, my new psychiatrist decided to try a new approach: I’ve been on Lithium before, because a GP thought I might be bipolar. It didn’t work, because… I’m not bipolar. So let’s try ADHD medicine and if it works, then, well… in all likelihood, I truly do have ADHD.
Folks, it seems I do have ADHD. Vyvanse (actually Lisvenx, same medication, different name) works a treat. A goddamn treat, I say.
Yesterday felt like the first day of the rest of my life. Cheesy cliché, I know, but holy fucking shit it feels like an entirely new world has been opened to me. I taught five lessons without feeling like I was going to fall asleep for even a single moment. My mind is focused, and my internal monologue is only one audio track instead of four.
I have energy, I don’t feel my eyes trying to shut on their own. I can simply get up and fucking do things. Easy things are easy to do. Difficult things are difficult to do for the correct reasons. I defeated the Fromsoft ADHD field boss: I folded all my laundry and put it away.
How did I spend more than 30 years of my life not feeling like this? How many opportunities did I lose, how many things did I abandon because I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing them, not because of my lack of competence, but rather because there was an invisible wall of inability between me and even the simplest task? I now realize how much of a fucking legit disability ADHD is.
This is only my second day on this medication so I’m afraid that things might not always be like this from now on. I’m afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I’ll eventually go back to how I was before. If that ever does happen, though, I’ll know that that disorganized mess of a human being is not all that I can be.
I can be better. There is hope.
This has been a life-changing experience for sure, and I hope that every single person who needs ADHD medication does get the opportunity to at least try it once, if only to realize that a better life is, in fact, possible.
Thanks! I had read your comment before, but read it again. I do think that I’m having some initial euphoria as per #5, particularly in the hours shortly after taking the medicine. Part of it might be a physical reaction to the medicine itself, but I’m sure that a considerable fraction of it is simply how happy I am feeling! I take it early in the morning and I think the way I feel later in the afternoon is probably closer to how I hope I’ll be feeling long-term, calm and more collected, which is a very good thing indeed.
Your list is very helpful, and I think that the item that now catches my eye the most is #10, because it’s exactly what I noticed potentially happening to me. I feel like I’m more focused, but I’ve already noticed that I’m essentially the same person, which means I do run the risk of spending too much time reading up on 40k lore rather than doing something useful. It is, however, much, much easier for me to redirect my attention now. The medicine gives me a greater ability to focus, sure, but I find that the most relevant part is how it allows me to redirect said focus.
I spent a ton of time reading organization tips and “life hack” type advice that was utterly useless to me before starting my medicine. I’m going to give it another go, because I’m sure they’ll work much better for me now.
Maybe I’m just a bit risk-averse but I figure there’s no harm in giving you a heads-up that how you’re feeling now might only last another couple of days or so before you settle into a new normal. Definitely a better normal but not as euphoric. The worst case scenario from this is that I’m wrong and you’re happy because now things make a lot more sense to you, life isn’t such a struggle, and you’ve got some meds that work well to help you out. That sounds like a winning situation.
But if I didn’t give you the heads-up you might have crashed out a bit and wondered what went wrong or, worse yet, tried to chase the euphoria by increasing the dose over and over. That can lead to some problems. I’d rather you be a little disappointed in my judgement than to feel disappointed in the meds because they suddenly “stopped” working or to end up on too high a dose.
I mean, nobody’s ever been on their deathbed lamenting the fact that they spent too much time enjoying their life but I can understand what you mean so don’t let me encourage habits in you that don’t serve you.
I’m really pleased to hear that you’re finding it easier to redirect your focus. That must be such a relief.
It absolutely is! And thanks again for your kind and insightful comments!