Folks, this is it.

After more than six months on Wellbutrin, being the unfocused mess I’ve always been, and being treated like a criminal and/or child by the most condescending, inconsiderate psychiatrist I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing, I decided to say fuck it and find another professional.

For six months, I’ve been made to wait by my health insurance provider for an ADHD test that never came. I’m on a mysterious waiting list that moves forward at a pace that is known only to the Nether Gods and in all likelihood I’ll never get to do this test anyways. All of this because apparently a psychiatrist does not have the authority to say “hey, I think you have ADHD, let’s try a first-line treatment and see if it works for you.” Silly me, thinking a psychiatrist would be able to diagnose a psychiatric disorder.

Well, my new psychiatrist decided to try a new approach: I’ve been on Lithium before, because a GP thought I might be bipolar. It didn’t work, because… I’m not bipolar. So let’s try ADHD medicine and if it works, then, well… in all likelihood, I truly do have ADHD.

Folks, it seems I do have ADHD. Vyvanse (actually Lisvenx, same medication, different name) works a treat. A goddamn treat, I say.

Yesterday felt like the first day of the rest of my life. Cheesy cliché, I know, but holy fucking shit it feels like an entirely new world has been opened to me. I taught five lessons without feeling like I was going to fall asleep for even a single moment. My mind is focused, and my internal monologue is only one audio track instead of four.

I have energy, I don’t feel my eyes trying to shut on their own. I can simply get up and fucking do things. Easy things are easy to do. Difficult things are difficult to do for the correct reasons. I defeated the Fromsoft ADHD field boss: I folded all my laundry and put it away.

How did I spend more than 30 years of my life not feeling like this? How many opportunities did I lose, how many things did I abandon because I felt like I wasn’t capable of doing them, not because of my lack of competence, but rather because there was an invisible wall of inability between me and even the simplest task? I now realize how much of a fucking legit disability ADHD is.

This is only my second day on this medication so I’m afraid that things might not always be like this from now on. I’m afraid that this effect may only be an initial honeymoon phase and I’ll eventually go back to how I was before. If that ever does happen, though, I’ll know that that disorganized mess of a human being is not all that I can be.

I can be better. There is hope.

This has been a life-changing experience for sure, and I hope that every single person who needs ADHD medication does get the opportunity to at least try it once, if only to realize that a better life is, in fact, possible.

  • mathemachristian [he/him]@hexbear.net
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    9 days ago

    I’m so happy for you!! Just putting a name to my “chronic failure disorder” was such a relief, but taking medication helped a ton.

    This is only my second day on this medication so I’m afraid that things might not always be like this from now on.

    For me, there certainly was a honeymoon phase but it never ever got even close to what it was before.

    There is a small caveat for ritalin (which I take), and moreso for vyvanse (which my psychiatrist suggested as a vegan alternative but I’m not sure about) in that the effect can diminish over time, or you could completely burn your dopamine and need time to cool off so the nerves can reabsorb the dopamine that vyvanse helped push out and prevented from being reabsorbed. Your nerves need dopamine to signal each other and if there is none left, well, that feeling sucks. For me thinking starts to feel like I’m wading through a swamp or like I’m thinking in slow-motion if that makes sense. What I do in this case with my wife is I slowly repeat what she said back to her until I was able to parse it because

    a. it helps me remember the sounds until they’re parsed
    b. It makes sure I understood her correctly
    c. It gives me time to react to what she said while communicating to her that I’m “Processing her request and I’ll be back shortly”.

    It goes away by relaxing or better yet sleeping as my nerves reabsorb the dopamine and get ready to signal again.

    I can be better. There is hope.

    There really is folks!! If you feel somethings off, it’s not you, something is off.