How do you get other people to speak with you? Usually I never know what to say in response.
Being a chatterbox hasn’t worked out too well throughout my life. Even in my second language, German, it’s evident im sort of a “parrot” when it comes to learned social phrases.
Socially exhausted right now and feeling like an alien.
Can you give us more information about the types of scenarios that are not working for you? I hesitate to give any recommendations, because it seems like you’re mixing together a bunch of possible issues, and that could easily lead to misunderstandings on someone’s part.
The first question you ask is how to get other people to speak with you. But then right after that you say that you don’t know how to respond. Which I think means they are speaking to you. So what’s happening here? Is it a situation where you can do back and forth for only two sentences, or perhaps four sentences? Details matter.
And then you say that you’re not a chatterbox, which implies that you wish you were a chatterbox, which is totally different from the opening two questions which seem to be about getting a conversation started and not about keeping it going for minutes or hours on end.
So I guess what I’m wondering is, what scenario do you want to address first? What specific situation are you in where you’re very troubled because you don’t know what to say?
Just posted a follow-up, but you bring up some good points.
Getting people to speak to me generally is an easy part. I don’t have trouble approaching others or initiating some sort of conversation. Usually this will be about a clearly visible article of clothing, cool earrings, pride apparel, hairstyle, the common small talk topics.
The back and forth will last generally for 2-6 sentences, where some type of awkwardness will insert itself into the situation. Maybe I don’t know how to respond after someone has shared something about an actor or singer they like. Maybe there’s an online trend I’ve missed, or they’re shocked that I’m in my early 20s and have no mainstream social media platforms. It’s not like my intention is to reveal that I’m a crazed Linux weirdo to everyone I know, but my interests are hyper specific. I could read up about what others like, but that would remove the authenticity from the conversation.
I know that depth like this doesn’t apply to smalltalk, and I don’t want to seem like an emotional weirdo to others, but I generally will also get happy and excited when others share my interests, which can be off putting in a different sense, maybe 10 minutes into a short chat.
My tendency to delve into historical facts, geography, electronics, scientific history, in order to connect something someone said about a building or a roof can also put people off. This is what I mean about being a chatterbox. I could never run out of things to say, so this oftentimes isn’t the problem. I’ve had wonderful and fulfilling conversation for hours over food and drinks with others who don’t mind this facet of me.
Once people get to know my character and who I am, this tends not to be an issue. But developing a working acquaintanceship is the difficult part so I don’t come off as a weirdo.
So let’s start off with small talk I.e 1-3 minute interactions, and branch into medium length office chats, then conclude with a lunch or dinner conversation.
If they mention something that you’re not familiar with, e.g. an actor or a singer you don’t know or don’t know why they are being brought up, you could try asking them more follow up questions about it.
In the same way you enjoy sharing your interests with other people, other people also enjoy sharing theirs. If you show an interest in what they’re talking about, you might learn something interesting about a new topic and you would be able to more easily share something you know that is relevant to what they are talking about if you know more about their interests.