When it’s awake, it has aphantasia and no internal monologue.
When it’s asleep, it has hyperphantasia and lucid dreaming.
Waking up every day, feels like getting a lobotomy.
The funny part, is that sometimes it feels like I “just know” some things, or “just do” some things… out of the blue, with no conscious effort, but they match the conscious process (…or is this the subconscious talking? hm).
I call consciousness, the part of mental processes that is self-aware, makes decisions about what to do before it does it, and can remember having made them.
For example: I’ve just put on a t-shirt.
I consciously decided that I would put on a t-shirt and which one.
I noticed that my body got close to the t-shirt, extended an arm to grab it, went through the motions of putting on a t-shirt, used one hand to scratch an itch on the other elbow, spun around, and sat down.
At no moment did I decide to do any of those actions in particular, just witnessed them a moment after they happened. It was some other process(es) that executed them, and I only remember deciding to “put on a t-shirt and which one”.
As I write this, I sound in my head what I could write next, consciously feel which of those sound better and feel more like what I want to transmit, then my finger moves across the phone keyboard to type or swipe the word, with flashes of conscious decisions about autocorrect, while mostly sitting idle and watching things happen. Then I read it back, sounding each word and feeling whether they sound right, while other words and sentences “get proposed to me” and I feel whether they’d feel better or worse.
So there is a lot of things going on “in the background”, that I kind of have control about, but I consciously only watch and coast on, feeling whether I should step in. If I do step in, it’s like a flash of conscious decision, and back to coasting.
I wonder if there’s people out there that make a decision and their body just does something entirely different? Like there’s a lower reliability.
But back to the topic: you mentioned it’s the mental process that’s self aware. So my question shifts to what is self awareness and what is awareness to you?
Well… now that you mention it, yes there are: procrastinators, ADHD. Sometimes no matter how much I’d want to do something, I could only watch things happen. I got what I now realize was a suggested diagnosis 20+ years ago, but at this point it’s too late to roll back time.
Self awareness to me, is the ability to think about thinking itself. Realizing that a thinking process is taking place, and being able to analyze and trace it from start to finish.
There are many other processes going on, that I’m only made aware a result that they yield, with no insight into the process itself. Strictly speaking, for all I know, they could also be self-aware, in some separate corner of my brain… but they never contribute any of that awareness to the process that’s deciding to write this 🤷
Oh I know all about procrastination! To me it’s just a symptom of mental health issues, but there can of course be many other reasons or factors.
The guy mentions making an app. As a coder who likes coding, I wonder why he wants to do that. Like, it’s completely bonkers to write an app if you don’t enjoy coding. It just sounds like he is absolutely terrible at figuring out what fits with him and what doesn’t.
Like making an app isn’t about breaking it down into bricks. That’s just planning. It really comes down to motivation and properly managing that.
I think it’s totally natural to circle around your goal, kinda like an eagle. The thing is when you are depressed or sum you just sit in your nest, waiting to heal, or for someone to come over and help. Which unfortunately doesn’t always work in our modern society.
And his description of some kind of normal person just bothers me. I have heard only of 1 person in my circles who is like that guy without monkey. He is an autist and I am sure he loves having a rigorous plan every day simply because it gives him predictability. Like he’ll literally be able to tell you what he’ll be doing next week Tuesday at 14. He’s world class in his field but my god I would never want to live like that.
Personally I think people should stop beating themselves up so much. If you treat yourself like shit the world will happily step in and take as much as it can.
Instead you should find out what your strengths are and what motivates you, and then leverage that on the market. So if you’re just being yourself and you end up in the Linux command line and eventually write a small app, then that can slowly grow and once you have 10 years of experience you can decide to go for building the big one. Any other approach is just futile and a waste of perfectly good energy.
Omg she’s so talented and funny! Really impressive.
But my god watching that video is like putting my brain through a meat grinder. I can’t imagine watching another one, phew!
It really sucks if you have that. I have a friend who has it and it sucks so bad. I always have to grab all her shit before she leaves the door. Her struggle is real.
My focus has definitely regressed during my endless depressed egg years, so I understand it somewhat. I am fixing this by really committing to what I am doing. Like watching a movie in one go, only to take a bathroom break or to eat something small like an apple. And currently I am also playing Bayonetta levels in the same manner.
For me it’s more of a depression thing. Like my brain is just like uh uh I definitely can’t handle this, and then switches to something simpler.
When it’s awake, it has aphantasia and no internal monologue.
When it’s asleep, it has hyperphantasia and lucid dreaming.
Waking up every day, feels like getting a lobotomy.
The funny part, is that sometimes it feels like I “just know” some things, or “just do” some things… out of the blue, with no conscious effort, but they match the conscious process (…or is this the subconscious talking? hm).
What is consciousness to you?
I call consciousness, the part of mental processes that is self-aware, makes decisions about what to do before it does it, and can remember having made them.
For example: I’ve just put on a t-shirt.
At no moment did I decide to do any of those actions in particular, just witnessed them a moment after they happened. It was some other process(es) that executed them, and I only remember deciding to “put on a t-shirt and which one”.
As I write this, I sound in my head what I could write next, consciously feel which of those sound better and feel more like what I want to transmit, then my finger moves across the phone keyboard to type or swipe the word, with flashes of conscious decisions about autocorrect, while mostly sitting idle and watching things happen. Then I read it back, sounding each word and feeling whether they sound right, while other words and sentences “get proposed to me” and I feel whether they’d feel better or worse.
So there is a lot of things going on “in the background”, that I kind of have control about, but I consciously only watch and coast on, feeling whether I should step in. If I do step in, it’s like a flash of conscious decision, and back to coasting.
I wonder if there’s people out there that make a decision and their body just does something entirely different? Like there’s a lower reliability.
But back to the topic: you mentioned it’s the mental process that’s self aware. So my question shifts to what is self awareness and what is awareness to you?
Well… now that you mention it, yes there are: procrastinators, ADHD. Sometimes no matter how much I’d want to do something, I could only watch things happen. I got what I now realize was a suggested diagnosis 20+ years ago, but at this point it’s too late to roll back time.
Self awareness to me, is the ability to think about thinking itself. Realizing that a thinking process is taking place, and being able to analyze and trace it from start to finish.
There are many other processes going on, that I’m only made aware a result that they yield, with no insight into the process itself. Strictly speaking, for all I know, they could also be self-aware, in some separate corner of my brain… but they never contribute any of that awareness to the process that’s deciding to write this 🤷
Oh I know all about procrastination! To me it’s just a symptom of mental health issues, but there can of course be many other reasons or factors.
The guy mentions making an app. As a coder who likes coding, I wonder why he wants to do that. Like, it’s completely bonkers to write an app if you don’t enjoy coding. It just sounds like he is absolutely terrible at figuring out what fits with him and what doesn’t.
Like making an app isn’t about breaking it down into bricks. That’s just planning. It really comes down to motivation and properly managing that.
I think it’s totally natural to circle around your goal, kinda like an eagle. The thing is when you are depressed or sum you just sit in your nest, waiting to heal, or for someone to come over and help. Which unfortunately doesn’t always work in our modern society.
And his description of some kind of normal person just bothers me. I have heard only of 1 person in my circles who is like that guy without monkey. He is an autist and I am sure he loves having a rigorous plan every day simply because it gives him predictability. Like he’ll literally be able to tell you what he’ll be doing next week Tuesday at 14. He’s world class in his field but my god I would never want to live like that.
Personally I think people should stop beating themselves up so much. If you treat yourself like shit the world will happily step in and take as much as it can.
Instead you should find out what your strengths are and what motivates you, and then leverage that on the market. So if you’re just being yourself and you end up in the Linux command line and eventually write a small app, then that can slowly grow and once you have 10 years of experience you can decide to go for building the big one. Any other approach is just futile and a waste of perfectly good energy.
Check the ADHD video, I think it complements the series of articles quite nicely.
Oh ya, I forgot! I’ll check it rn.
I just came back on to share this video with you 😁
Omg she’s so talented and funny! Really impressive.
But my god watching that video is like putting my brain through a meat grinder. I can’t imagine watching another one, phew!
It really sucks if you have that. I have a friend who has it and it sucks so bad. I always have to grab all her shit before she leaves the door. Her struggle is real.
My focus has definitely regressed during my endless depressed egg years, so I understand it somewhat. I am fixing this by really committing to what I am doing. Like watching a movie in one go, only to take a bathroom break or to eat something small like an apple. And currently I am also playing Bayonetta levels in the same manner.
For me it’s more of a depression thing. Like my brain is just like uh uh I definitely can’t handle this, and then switches to something simpler.