For me, what helped initially was not to focus on whether I was trans or not, but on specific questions like whether I wanted to start HRT.

Because when I read the list of changes it caused, none of them seemed bad, and many seemed really desirable!

That helped reduce my dilemma from a complicated question of “identity” (“Am I trans? Am I nonbinary?” etc), to a more specific choice I could proceed with.

The big thing for me is that I never, ever felt gender euphoria when I was living as a man. I never felt proud of my clothes, my body, my appearance, a new haircut, nothing, I also didn’t like the way I acted. Even when I was “at my best” I felt awful. I also greatly preferred the aesthetics of women and dreamed of being one. But of course it goes beyond just fashion into personality traits too. If you constantly feel like you’re not comfortable in your body and your gender role, and it’s been consistently that way, then you’re probably trans.

The whole point of the trans movement, is recognising that beyond a small number of very specific biological truths, that the majority of gendered experiences are entirely social.

i.e. being viewed as masculine or feminine, is as arbitrary as deciding whether you’re goth or emo or punk

So I guess what I’m saying, is that from your post, I’m sensing that you’re finding that strict societal don’t really resonate with you. You don’t feel especially stereotypically feminine or stereotypically masculine, or perhaps sometimes you feel a bit of both, or some other combination.

And at the tame time, you’re saying “please don’t tell me I’m trans” - and frankly, that makes perfect sense to me, because if the whole problem is rejecting labels in general, why would you want another one?

Not that I know anything, but it seems to me that you might try just letting go of the idea of gender being something that matters to you completely.

Like, personally I’m not punk, or emo, or alt, or goth, or country. Sometimes I listen to these genres, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I’ll dress and express myself with hints of these genres, sometimes I don’t. Mostly I’m not really any of them.

And if someone says “do you like punk music”, I can say “Yeah sometimes” or “I’m not in the mood”, or “Oh yeah, lets do it”. And if they say “Yeah but you’re not really punk”, I don’t really mind one way or another. I don’t have to be anything really.

I don’t see why you couldn’t approach gender the same way. I don’t see why you have to commit to, or justify your specific interpersonal or social choices. If one day you want to do something that’s viewed as super masculine, cool! if another day you reject certain masculine things, or even the same masculine thing - that’s cool too! And that doesn’t even need to make you “trans”.

Beyond specific medical/biological concerns, most of this stuff is just words, and it’s all made up.

I found The Null HypotheCis to be a good article for questioning folks
https://freethoughtblogs.com/nataliereed/2012/04/17/the-null-hypothecis/

also this article on recognizing hidden gender dysphoria
https://the-orbit.net/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/

If games are your thing, ‘What’s Your Gender?’ is a really beautifully made resource. There’s not really any mechanics, just walking and clicking interact.

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1761630/Whats_Your_Gender/

So, you are on the right track to assert that the only person that can say you are trans is you. At best, we can give you things to think about.

First, you focus on your body, and mention your weight as unsatisfying. If you lost a bunch of weight and worked out every day, what would make you happier? A muscular, masculine body? With big shoulders and strong arms and thighs? Or would you preferred a smaller, athletic, feminine body? That still had some fat in your breasts and butt?

Would you like a soft feminine face? Or a handsome, masculine face?

If that doesn’t make it obvious, what about relationships? Would you like be your parents son? Or their daughter? Would you rather be a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend? If you get married, would you like to be the bride? Or the groom?

If you have children someday, would you be comfortable as their dad? Or their mother?

“Neither” is also an option. Maybe you are non binary or agender.

I hope this helps you to consider what you want for yourself. None of these questions can 100% guarantee you are trans, but each can offer evidence one way or the other.

I found genderdysphoria.fyi to be a really helpful resource. It was my time figuring out that it was more so that I didn’t understand dysphoria than that I didn’t have any.

Also, therapy with a gender affirming provider is amazingly helpful.

You are right not to want answers along the lines of ‘you are trans’ or ‘you are not trans’. You are right that you are the only person that can answer that. As a non-binary trans woman, I can tell you that ‘being trans’ isn’t a uniform experience that can be easilly put in neatly defined boxes with easy to recognise checkboxes to tick off.

Even if it turns out you are cisgendered, it is good that you are questioning gender. Some of what we think about as ‘gender’ is social expectations that are entirely toxic. And more cisgendered men should question those gender norms.

Then you have femboys, and other cisgendered men that have a gender non conforming expression in terms of presentation, clothing, hairstyles and makeup. Expression is not identity. Of course some femboys are nonbinary, genderfluid, trans men, trans masc or demi boys. But most nonbinary, genderfluid, trans men, trans masc or demi boys are not femboys. Again, identity is not expression.

Ultimately all you can do is work out what makes you happy. Does the thought of being a woman spark joy? Does the thought of being neither man or woman (agender) spark joy? Does the thought of being both man and woman spark joy? Or man and agender? Or woman and agender? Or being masc but not quite a man (demiboy)? Or the thought of being almost a woman but not quite (transfem)?

Answering those questions won’t give you a definitive answer, just a starting point for exploration. As you explore you may find your answers to those questions change as you pilot yourself and your life towards where you want to be.

Try messing with your expression. Ask your best friend or someone you trust to call you a different name or with different pronouns for a day. Wear clothes you normally wouldn’t, look at yourself in a way you normally wouldn’t. Just in general explore your gender. It sounds silly but try a faceapp gender swap. Mess around in a game that has a good character creator. Play an MMO and make friends online who don’t know you as the “male” you. There’s a lot of different ways to safely interact with and examine your own gender identity.

You know, for me rephrasing the question entirely helped a lot at first. Instead of asking whether or not I was trans I asked myself “would I be happier if I was” or “would I be happier if I transitioned”. Then I explored my identity to find that answer.

“Birds in cages view flying as an illness” is a sign that stuck with me when I attended trans pride last weekend.

Figure what feels right to you. Remember other people’s labels come with their own baggage. It’s ok to not know the answer right now. Remember you have a right to be accepted as whoever you find yourself to be.

Hello! I think the book “Trans Bodies, Trans Selves” is a great starting point, it collects a lot of info in one place and will probably give you a better sense of the trans community and the breadth of our experiences. (If you can’t afford a copy, there’s a pdf of it on Internet Archive.)

You are 100% right that you’re the only one that can answer these questions for you. No matter whether you’re ultimately trans or cis, good luck finding your path to self-acceptance and joy. 💜

There are so many good resources already listed here, so I’m just going to suggest some simple things.

1. Try out a few of the gender/shape/anthro swap apps to get a glimpse of a possible current you. See if you like what you see.

2. If you’re not interested in being a woman, but being a man doesn’t quite float your boat either for any number of reasons, it’s pretty easy to start looking into the non-binary side of things.

And that’s pretty much it. Take your time and there are no wrong answers. Introspection can be tough at times, especially when others are set on forcing their perspectives on your life.