I typically don’t care about things like hairstyle, makeup or clothes. But my wife has started giving herself a buzz cut and I simply hate it. I told her and she grew it out for a while, but she said longer hair was making her depressed and it needed to be a buzz cut. She said it just looks like her when she sees it. Part of me thinks that’s gender euphoria and she’s just around the corner from realising that she’s trans. I would not be comfortable continuing the relationship in that case. (She has said she feels a-gender but not male).
I’ve tried to tolerate it, but I dislike looking at her now and it’s contributing to me being depressed now. I don’t want these feelings every time I look at my wife.
We’ve generally had a good relationship over about one and a half decades, with two young children. We’re also codependent and own a house together.
It would make things difficult if we separate. I really don’t want to separate just because of a haircut, but I’ve definitely been thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do.
It’s pretty obviously not the haircut itself that’s the problem…if she went back to having long hair, would you think, “Great! I suddenly no longer have any concerns about my wife’s gender identity!” There’s something more going on there, whether it’s real or just in your head. Go to therapy. Ideally as a couple, but individually if you have to, to get to the bottom of that.
If I’m honest with myself it’s hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it’s a mix of things. But, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don’t like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that’s not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.
I guess you’re still right about couple’s therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I’ll take it more seriously now.
If she’s sure it’s not a gender thing, what about a nice wig for dates and that sort of thing?
A different short haircut isn’t gender euphoria. I think you are reaching since that scares you.
I don’t think it’s gender euphoria just because of the haircut. It’s that she’s thinking she doesn’t identify as female anymore, she does seem to have changed. And, seeing herself with a buzz cut evoked strong feelings of it being right. I’ve definitely heard other people having that kind of gender euphoria from having a male haircut, and I’ve seen someone else go though a similar transition.
Having said that I’m not trying to say I know better than she does, it is just a fear of what could happen and would ruin the relationship. I don’t have any problem with people being trans but I’m simply not attracted to men, trans or otherwise. So there probably is these feelings mixed in when I see such a male haircut on my wife (a look that I also find very unattractive).
Please remember that not identifying as a woman anymore doesn’t always mean that they identify as a man, can just as well be anywhere in between or neither. So that wouldn’t necessarily change your relationship, they are still the same person.