My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
What country are you in? I know you’re writing in English, but no clear indication of if that’s UK, US, Canada, Australia etc.
If you’re in the UK, there’s groups such as: Men’s Sheds Andy’s Man Club
There may also be a set of locally organised, free projects and events (through a recovery college or social perscribing link worker), which you can just turn up to - near me there’s ones for walking, birdwatching, woodwork, gardening etc with other men who are depressed/bereaved and struggle to talk about their feelings. The idea being they’re all low-pressure interest-led activities with other people in the same situation, and eventually you can optionally open up about stuff, if you want. Sometimes just knowing others feel the same inside helps, even if you don’t open up yourself.
There’s not the stress/worry/stigma of “actually going to a therapist” - though it may lessen to resistance to doing so later.
Hopefully similar things exist in other countries.
Thank you for your response. We live in the US unfortunately, but I’m interested in seeing if we have something similar.
I’m not sure that he’d actually go for it, but if we do have a resource like this available, it’s certainly worth providing him the option.