My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
i think clinical depression is when youre depressed while not in depressing situations. seems like his situation is justifiably depressing.
need to start finding some small wins and pleasurable experiences and peaceful/safe respites and some good things to anticipate and achievable goals etc.
change some routines and have some fun.
Clinical depression is defined as a state that lasts more than two weeks. There aren’t really distinguishing factors - there is one for grieving people, but that’s it. If all of this stuff happened a year ago or more, then it is depression, not “justifiably sad situation”.
Also depression isn’t “feels sad and needs to get a small win”. Depression is the opposite of life - you can’t do anything, it saps your energy, it makes you think “why bother”. It makes pleasurable things not be pleasurable anymore. There is no small win, no hobby or safe spots which make your depression go away, since it is a sickness that makes you not feel better in any of them.
These are certainly valid points, but I do appreciate the spirit of the original comment. May not fundamentally change anything, but there’s no reason to miss out on some happy times during the grueling process of self-healing.
After all, we all need something to work towards.
Damn son, this is some clean advice. Seems obvious, but I’ve been so in my head that I haven’t thought of this. Giving this a try starting tomorrow. Worst case scenario, if this doesn’t fully fix the problem, we’ll at least have some fun memories out of it.
Thank you.